My Tech Blog

When you can’t have real conversations because it can cause you problems.  Being trapped in a world full of oppression.  Conversations about sports or fashion or media because it’s too much to go without conversation for people.  People can convey deeper truths or they can just be wanting to change the conversation to a safer topic.  Deeper topics can be painful to talk about.  Some would just prefer to think forward because the past is too painful.  Real conversation changes things for the better and the worse. The right words, in the right way, at the right time can make all the difference.  Speak them and can bring adversity.  Hard to have a stable life without peace and jobs.  I can’t see clearly enough through all this.  

Lew Sterric and Terrell is a place of serious oppression.  It needs to change, and I can’t tell which side is responsible for it.  Sometimes the small stories are more dangerous than the big ones. Basic News vs the more detailed.  Could I do better myself with those systems? Not sure, they might be there for a system of protection.  Who wants to spend life in cage?  The idea that they are there as a system of protection could be a way to filter people in to them.  Think better can be a way to get you trapped.  How do you fight oppression when each system can shift quickly and dramatically?  Changing it for the better, is that better for everyone?  If things are on the level, yes.  I made it better so their lives would be better at the moment.  Could be better short term but might not appease an unforgiving society.

Sometimes it is easier to forgive people that talk off the cuff.  My younger years like President Trump and my older years like President Biden.  People that don’t know the weight of words can be more likely to speak out against oppression.  People that know the weight of words can oppress people less with their speech.  Not always the case.  We all should be able to speak up against oppression of all people.  That is not always the case in an unforgiving society.  The less I do speak out, the more difficult it can be to speak up in the face of adversity.  I want to speak up when necessary and I am trying to know when that is and isn’t.  God will give us the right words at the right time with a little faith.  Maybe these are the right words

These officers are our fellow Americans.  We need to protect them.  I understand why things are so difficult to understand right now.  We have lost jobs for years.

We need to accept the results of the election.  To keep the nation from tearing itself apart. I love this country and I don’t know what President Biden will bring.  Cyber security has been a problem for a while now.  Something to address in the nation going forward.

Does sanctions make people more merciful?  My thought would be no.  When things get tougher and people have less they might be less likely to give.  If you have had trouble you might be more or less likely to give when the going gets tough.

Sanctions can reduce access to weaponry or other tools of oppression.

Sanctions might divert funds from healthcare, schools, and support networks that might reduce the jadedness of some individuals from being oppressed.  This might stabilize a status quo which could be good or bad depending on the regime.

A man in an oppressive regime might see that others in the world have more and those in charge might fuel the rhetoric that those nations are to blame.

So instead of the sanctions protecting against the regime they can end up just fueling a narrative that perpetuates more wars.  Not how it always is I would think though many times could be.

Maybe sanctions are just meant as a slap on the wrist in some cases.  A way to say we disagree but we don’t want to risk war.  Is the slap on the wrist enough, is the slap on the wrist worth more than the damage it does to the lowest class of their people?  Could enough sanctions start a war? Maybe so, might be wise to pay more attention to who we have sanctions on, the extent, and why.  Having a clue to how things might play out in the future might give insight albeit imperfect way to help plan.  I am not speaking on a presidential, or government level here.  This could have major impacts on people’s families.  

Of course by just preparing this could shift the way it is perceived nationally or internationally.  Everyone is likely looking for constant indications and insights on how to protect their family.  Those that know more than me thus might have a harder time sharing that information effectively.  This could be akin to not wanting to yell panic in a crowded theatre.  I truthfully haven’t thought much about it until now.  I have relied on the small amount of information I have received in the news.  

Listening to the news as I have grown older it has been easier to pickup on biases.  Thus if the news is biased how do I effectively infer how to live my life.  We live in a global economy, people from all around the world travel and work in the United States.  We learn a bit in school but understanding international politics is hard and not all people myself included have the right words or the right perceptions of everything going on.  

In today’s world this could mean the difference between food on your table and being on the street.  So as far as I can see if this is very difficult for a college educated man like myself, we are likely dramatically failing the underprivileged in our country.  That is bad for our future.  “Just keep swimming” worked out for Dory.  Not what I would really want to have to tell my children and family nor my friends.

Just the realization of this gives me pause to post it.  If I do it might make people worry.  Worry can be a snowball that causes a greater problem than the one that actually existed.  Yet if it was me, I would want to know.  Instead of slowly watching myself and my friends lose jobs and resources year after year until we wake up and say how did this happen?  If I feel like this now, maybe the snowball is already a Boulder, yet saying this could scare people even more.  Maybe it is all a test on my life and not others so no need to worry except to help make my life better.

I am in a weird position.  I am not sure if my voice carries weight or not.  It is hard to know if I am just the guy you talk to with good conversation or if I have an ear with higher authorities.  I am a Christian yes.  I am not a priest nor preacher.  I have written leaders yet I have received silence.  I have worked with multiple companies though I haven’t had long term contacts.  I used to write on Facebook but do to the increases in surveillance and my own computers being hacked as well as other life problems I left.  So given all that do I post or not?  I appear to be in some sort of virtual box or proxy so maybe even if I do post it is not getting out.  I assume that the government is blocking me, though they might not be, or certain portions of what I say.  Or possibly corporations with certain policies or political leanings.

Truthfully the way I have been treated I am not sure I am not hooked up to some kind of virtual environment in a lighthouse.  Maybe it is actually 50 years later and computers have advanced to the point that they can completely simulate life.  Maybe 1000 years later and I had been frozen after a coma or a stroke.  I realize with the right combination of drugs and a military or organization this kind of effect could be possible as well.  To make me feel as though things were no longer real.  All I know is that while I am writing this I perceive that the year is 2021 and there is a pandemic going on in the world.  While I would like to know what happened in 2021, if this is a different year like Vanilla Sky.  I would like to wake up.  Maybe waking up to realize your much older is heartbreaking, yet I would like to know the truth.

I will not post this at this moment, yet I do want to wake up

Thing have been different since Oregon, maybe the oil spill on the road before we left, thought I missed that semi.  Maybe not.  Maybe when I drove out in the woods in Oregon.  Maybe I am actually younger, and they are using some kind of drug to speed up my brain and train me.  Make it seem as though years have past when it was only moments.  Regardless I want to know the truth and wake up or at least be let out of the cage.  Something feels off about this reality.

If I am dead because you needed to fight back I forgive you.  When I found someone I liked a lot and I have experienced years of things not working out with different women I tried everything and anything to get you to talk to me.  I didn’t try to find out where you live because that makes people out to be stalkers.  

I was unaware of the effects of trying to talk to different people in the community.  I felt different about you.  Hard to explain, just like it was talking to someone familiar.  That can be scary, commitment for anyone can threaten their independence. You feel trapped.  That’s why I didn’t push harder talking to you.  Some health problems I did not comprehend as well. They can make it feel like everyone is against you, even me.

I liked you.  I didn’t know you well enough to be able to claim I loved you.  But if I could presume that I would.  My old fraternity brother’s were around the pool.  Maybe they just wanted to talk to me.  When you have been around people that did drugs back in college, it is hard to know if they changed or not.  I was trying to move forward with my life.  This world likes to divide people.  Sometimes the guys doing the drugs save your life and sometimes the cops hurt you.  People trying to move on with their lives could be considered threats.  

Maybe is was clear as daylight to other’s what surrounded me.  It was not to me, all I saw was things not working out again and again.  Sometime society forces those that care about all people into the middle of a war, a war they don’t always know they are apart of.  Both sides can go silent to protect people.  Those people feel more isolated so they feel like they need to try harder.  It is hard breaking to have things continuously not work out and not know why.  Maybe I just wasn’t good enough to have a date.  

After Oregon I was pretty crushed by the weight of the world.  The baggage we bring with us can really effect are actions at the time.  I read some of that book The Game, though I didn’t like playing with people’s insecurities.  I kept having relationships not working out so I resorted to tactics that would be consider unwise.  Now I kind of feel like those relationships not working out were a setup.  Maybe a setup for something great or maybe something terrible. Better to think people are trying to set you up for leadership though with all I have been through it made we feel like they were setting me up for a cliff.  Truth be told it makes me not want to post any of this.  

Surveillance has the power and potential of life, death, dreams being lost.  Computer’s are my workbench and my canvas, and when those have been messed with by actors possibly on both sides to control me it is hard to know what to do.  Who do you talk to when you can’t even work without being tormented.  We are supposed to have a giant NSA service that protects us all.  People don’t always think about a group of people being able to put walls around your communications.  

I did it for their protection and ours?  But you didn’t tell them why?  Doing that can make people question whether they are really alive at all.  It’s dark and understandable, yet for those without support it can be brutal.  At anytime someone could have come and have a real conversation with me.  Easy for me to say when they would have blown their cover and had to run for years.  It is easy to think I didn’t matter in all this.  Maybe my train just ran out of tracks.  It is human nature to want to try and protect yourself.  The more times you risk your life you start to feel like the greater the probability of dying.  

People as they get older might try different methods to try and have a chance for love because they know they are running out of time.  They act out much like children do, because they are starved for hope and affection.  This is not trying to say adults are children or do not have more concerns.  I just feel it an apt parallel, we think we are training them and they are training us.  The Church can be oppressed and told to remain in silence.  Does anyone really want to be a part of a Church when they don’t feel included?  But we were doing this so you would speak up.  

Creative word play can be fun with the right person.  When the wrong people use it against you it can make you think the worst.  Picking up on it might help you decipher a code and the code might be designed to drive you off a cliff.  People can think they are finding an answer, though it is just is some people trying to string them along.  They could be trying to show you where something is, this could be a exit sign or a light at the end of the tunnel, that could be read good or bad.  

Creativity is technology.  Technology can be used for both good and bad purposes.  Marijuana could increase creativity for some.  What would the long term result be for a society that used Marijuana all the time?  A painting can be as powerful as a surgeon scalpel.  It could fuel revolutions or stop wars.  Is it wise or prudent to bestow that power on a huge percentage of the population?  Is giving people computers any different?  

We are told to think better of every one.  With creative word play this can be much more difficult.  Best to make codes somewhat complex because when it gets to 6s being evil and 7s being good, or a color being good or bad, it destroys the canvas.  People can blame some people for opening that box but if you look at street signs or the rest of art and media you see it everywhere.  All that said if your in trouble under oppression and if you don’t have a way to talk you might resort to these.  

That guy over there is 60 dollars over his limit.  That’s odd for her to say in a diner.  Add in people scamming, and the fact that the guys on the other side might be thinking the same thing it can be a recipe for disaster.  Can’t blame the oppressed one for wanting help, though if your scammed enough when the people actually in trouble need help you won’t be there for them.

People are constantly looking for more insight on how to make financial decisions in the world.  Is my job stable, are they going to lay off that group, etc.  So third parties can have multiple motivations.  Direct communication is preferable yet with so much surveillance in the world, is there any direct conversation anymore?  If everything you say is used against you, you just stop talking.  People with their own interests can try and isolate you by creating a divide.  Creative word play can add to this to make people think you are swinging at them when they are not.

Here is the problem with limiting knowledge to all this.  It can make life more enjoyable not knowing all this stuff exists.  Though if the right person doesn’t teach people the wrong person might later.  Then in an instant society can throw someone under the bus who was just looking for answers about the one they lost.  A sector of society has drugs that makes this stuff less noticeable.  Drugging an entire society to fix this problem has side effects. People can use creative wordplay to illustrate a point, or to flirt, or to talk about sports, and it can also be used for much darker purposes.  There would probably be less ODs and suicides if we all knew how and when to use these appropriately.  

If we don’t think better of each other we are lost.  If we don’t forgive each other we are lost.  Highlight all this with people who don’t think the best of each other is likely to turn them against one another.  Then people that have been oblivious to it become aware.  Oh they were flirting with me?  Oh they were trying to prevent me from talking to them?  

A compliment or a curse.  Really depends on the path we were on.  Of course sometimes you think the best of people, and they are only interested in their plans.  So they derail a project, a dream, etc by distracting you.  They might get what they want in the short term but in the long term the truth has a way of showing itself.  That delay might have saved your life.  

A more positive way to look on it than they wrecked my life.  Groups of people can all start hitting you with different stuff past and present at the same time to try and control your life as well.  Maybe they made me quit for a higher purpose.  Be careful about dreams, people like to help.  Like hazing it is easy for things to go too far.  We are supposed to believe the best in other people, yet with stuff like this it makes it harder.  

This world is a tough place, we gotta make men strong.  

Good and bad in that mentality.  If you didn’t spend time on the street, would you want to react as quickly?  Being out in the cold takes lives, so we need to work fast.  If you didn’t know how it feels to be lonely, would you want to talk to them?  Though empathy can cause side effects.  He wanted to be CEO so he needed to learn empathy.  But then things changed we got busy with our own lives and he died on the street.  Better to teach with words, less digging that way.  But he won’t listen.  Maybe someone else has better words, though we all seem to have agendas.  Maybe try again.  I don’t know what to do, so I am going to leave it with God.  I’ve been waiting all day for this train, where do I go from here.  But they didn’t want to talk with me, no healthcare has side effects.  Chips installed in people’s crotches has side effects.  A giant group of people trying to teach a man a lesson for years on end, has side effects. 

Sometimes everything works out great because of great support and love and people working together.  Sometimes there is a mix and chips fall where they may.  The combinations work better when everyone is looking out for and protecting each other, and wise to use a light touch because if you stack more on top than the bridge can hold it could collapse.  But we all meant well doesn’t always work.  Timing matters, influences matter, preconceived ideas matter, health problems matter, malfunctioning hardware and software matter.  

Whether God likes the idea matters.  Sometimes you might be ready but they might not be.  Sometimes you might not be and they might be.  Maybe your both imperfect and they think it will be another train wreck.  Maybe people will claim it is God to suit their own agendas.  Maybe it is all the third parties who aren’t ready.  I am not sure I like that one, let’s test him.  Might be wise to figure out what he is going through first.  Wait they had no support and fought oppression for years before I talked with them, makes a bit more sense now.

People can be trained not to think better of others as well.  It can protect them in certain cases. It can also isolate them and prevent them from having real conversation with anyone.  The lost.  I didn’t mean it that way but that’s how they perceived it.  When you see all you see in the news, can you really blame someone for questioning?

I don’t want to ruin if for myself by going out with you.  Who wants to say that?  It’s mean and it sounds selfish.  It’s unfair though to think that someone that has trained their whole life for something is being selfish by wanting that dream to happen.  Problem with silence is maybe the person doesn’t understand this is the reason.  Maybe other people know this is the reason but they can’t or decide not to tell you.  But I thought they would figure it out.  

Why didn’t someone talk to them?  They didn’t have support, so they questioned, the questions can make people think the worst.  Maybe will just put them on hold.  That doesn’t always make people nicer.  Probably the problem with a beautiful FBI agent.  They go in to talk to someone who’s already in a storm.  Seeing them is like a glimpse of a hope for better days.  So is it better to go somewhere for a short time, give them hope, and then crush it?  I suppose the risk has to outweigh the reward.  We don’t want criminals acting this way, so we train cops to do so?  Means to an end where is God in all this.  Not that she was FBI.  Watching the show Castle and other police shows, a beautiful Kate Beckett.  So maybe some decide to go in with the purpose of crushing, they think mercy for the weak.  So I should trust women?  Sure that doesn’t help with glass ceilings.  Maybe better to look at life like a chess player?  If all I am is a piece?  Nah

People grow and change, just wish God gave me a little protection.  I am not in imminent danger, I just feel pretty bleak.  Can’t turn back the clock.  Would like to see some good days for my family.  Love accounts for a multitude of sins, so where do we go from here.  Answers are a bit of a double edged sword.  I have been trying to put my faith in God for years yet I seem to get more trouble and not less.  Treat other’s as they wish to be treated even while they aren’t treating you right.  So the only way I can train people is by treating them like crap?  I don’t like that logic.  Words a bit wiser than empathy training.  

But we couldn’t say it we had to show you.  See the problem? A Church that can’t fight oppression stops being a Church.  Maybe the Church is fighting the oppression and I can’t see it, this just might be the result.  Oppression lends itself to non optimal solutions.  Church needs to be in the love and mercy business. What happens when part of the Church is in the oppression business? But it wasn’t their fault they didn’t know.  Church is supposed to love all people not just some. Religion can be oppression.  Government can be oppressive.  Groups and individuals can be oppressive.  Health problems can be oppressive.  Sometimes a graph looks better without the outliers.  A Church is made to bring the outliers home.  

But if I say something I will lose my job and if you don’t The Church no longer follows the value it teaches.  Sometimes can do more good while staying in the system, sometimes when fighting it.  This is jading.  Yes I see the problems and I need to put food on my table.  Can a stripper be a part of a Church? Definitely, because likely the Pastor oppressed by a group might do the same.  All things just but not all things expedient.  

If God separates himself from sinners every time they sin, then the sins of omission would doom us all.  Unforgiving people are also part of the outliers.  This is part of the problem.  The places that need grace the most sometimes have the least capacity to give it.  It’s just better if they stay on their side of town, think of the children.  How are we going to save them that way?  Got to be miserable being a priest or leader when nobody has sympathy for each other.  It sucks, I realize, the coffers are empty.  A Church brings in sinners.  Sinners hurt.  Mercy or judgement depends how you read it.  

Are they part of the problem or part of the solution?  Trying to be part of the solution but little support, health problems, and silence renders me pretty ineffective.  Enough problems and it can be overwhelming.  For any leader likely sometimes head of the ship, sometimes clinging to the raft. I am no captain, though I am trying to think how they might feel.  Mercy equals real conversation.  For some reason my speech thought process has shifted closer to arrogance, not sure why.  Not my intent.  A little change in the Church pamphlet plus that could have terrible results.  Trying to protect the people in your life and trying to protect yourself is hard.  Somethings left unspoken.

Imagine a woman having a stroke waiting on others to get healthcare in front of her.  Pretty amazing woman.  Pretty terrible to let it go that far. No one person is meant to carry it all.

Answers or No Answers people will blame you for it.

Sometimes vague answers are better, but they might just create more questions.  Full answers might do the same.  My goal is not to make others feel bad, just trying to sort through my own thoughts. I can’t tell if I am being trained, hurt, or something else.  Discipline might lead some to believe they are part of something they are not.  Specially in the case of silence.

Putting people through a painful maze that they don’t have enough information to adequately make decisions. Then finding out someone had the information but was blocked from telling them because of that same problem.  Might help them make better decisions in the future and if they see those answers in a movie, might make them blame the moviemakers or the people they think responsible for not having the information in the first place.  

But you didn’t tell us, and they made me out to be crazy and wouldn’t let me speak.  Whatever this world is it will make you so mad it wants you to get payback and then it will make you realize they were dealing with problems of their own.  Possibly caused by problems in your own family you did not know about.  It will push some to the point of lashing out then make them feel bad they lashed out in the first place. 

All the while praying for support from a God that seems to not hear you.  Maybe God didn’t make us to walk in each other’s shoes.  The support wasn’t there, it is not your fault.  I know more now.  Can I make better decisions going forward?  Possibly. Accounting for the unknown and the known at the same time is difficult.  Life can be like a baseball game where everyone is a pitcher.  We hit the home runs we can, we have plenty of strikes and strikeouts, and even if we hit a home run the pitches don’t stop, we get tired and stop being able to block the pitches, and they keep coming.  

We like to think this only applies to us.  If everyone is feeling like this, how can I really blame anyone?  But it was me, I am supposed to hit all the fast balls at once.  Pretty ridiculous.  It seems easier to forgive other’s than to forgive ourselves.  Maybe it is easier to blame others as this at least let us vent.  We all vent too much and the home runs stop getting hit.  That makes us more upset.  The cycle continues.  Even knowing all this, if you’re too beaten and tired to fix it, what good does it do you.  As a child we say this will never happen to us.  Then we grow up to find that there is a lot of pitches in this world we didn’t know about.  Extra time with your children is great with proper support. I am angry and I am sad, I did have a nice burger and shake today. Not all bad.

I don’t know where I add value.  This is part of the problem

If my very voice is jade to the ear of the President.  Why should I try and talk to him?  Silence makes people question.  I will choose to think better of him.  This storm makes finding the positive more difficult for us all.

I experienced a pretty scary ride in Georgia back in 2016.

Think Neurolinguistic Programming, Think Lexing word play

The names of the streets

for those that have watched Futurama think Nixon Death Trap

After I was in the city I felt trapped by the giant trees all around me

The sky made me feel like I was under water

I lived through it but I felt like I was on a path that I could not control

Like if I had a robotic car driving me to a terrifying place

The intent of all this might be to scare into submission

It made me more worried I would end up on someone’s dinner plate

Thinking Revelation from The Bible scared me more, it made me think of what the future end game would look like

I might have been drugged on the way

There was a skyscraper which looked like a Wizard on top

It made me think of a bunch of very wealthy people

Continuously building bigger buildings right next to each other

Your’s the biggest now mine is the biggest

All directing to what seemed like the name of a woman I lost

I have sent some warnings out to people though I think I might be trapped so my information is not getting out.  This was pretty scary and people with children in the car I fear for them.

Maybe it is all gone by now, maybe not.  I like Georgia but this was very scary for me.  I felt like I had taken a trip back to the past.  I learned some ideas and perspectives about some of the people in my life as well.  I thought there might have been a neutron bomb armed inside my car, and trying to get it out of the city was a nightmare.  This was back in 2016, I had no radiation detector at the time.  The drug or maybe the health problems made it feel like my skin was tingling.  I went into a hospital that was empty as well which furthered my fears.

I write this to let people know my experience since many in the world are visiting there now.  I saw this in the day time.  I mention Vegas because if this happened there at night with all the lights like Fear and Loathing it would be much scarier.

I write this not knowing what is going on there.  I do not mean to create a panic.  I just don’t want people to be in a scary situation.

This was before I went to Jail in 2017.  The phones on the walls didn’t have cords and everyone was kneeling in front of them.  I thought they had all had chips placed in their heads.  The officers were walking around completely ignoring me as if robotically controlled.  They were soon pushing me towards the phone and I fought back.  Next thing I was naked in a room in solitary confinement.  Please be careful and don’t be tricked, though maybe next time they will be putting chips in people.  This is scary stuff.  The Jail Lew Sterric in Dallas, TX

Atlanta was especially scary for a guy from Texas because the highways are similar in numbers and layout to Dallas

I spent 2020 with what feels like a robotic chip inside my dick. Possibly a combination of nicotine gum and depakote. Maybe the idea is de pee a kyote. The kyote being me. I do not like this idea. Possible combinations, might not be how the chip got there.

Don’t leave Vetarans to waste away in their mother’s or father’s basements.

I am not a veteran. When I was drugged and oppressed I made it look to be part of groups I was not. I am sorry for that. Never went out with that intention. Veterans are welcome to be my friends, and I understand if given that they choose not to. Pretending to try and get people out of shit is non optimal, if someone else’s life was on the line I would. Not sure that’s the right choice, I prefer to be honest, though under power and oppression that seems to give way to protecting people. No conversation and no support leads to someone not always choosing the optimal solution. Sometimes the simple I am sorry works best, I felt given the level of what I have dealt with requires a bit of context. I wouldn’t believe it if it hadn’t happen to me and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Also would be wise to have society protect those who choose not to go into the military because society still needs to function normally so it is not shit when you guys get back from a tour. Good PR sometimes helps save the day.

Don’t leave me or anyone else to waste away in their mother’s or father’s basement.

If the ones doing this are oppressed or drugged by some other force, I understand.

A group, a government, etc is far more powerful than an individual

This one seems pretty obvious.

J a kai and J a death penalty == stopping one big societal H, we all want to go B2B? I believe I was setup for this. Not sure by who, highly annoying but forgivable. 15 years of a man’s life is a steep price to pay, though if it stops this shit likely worth it. Just hope the side effects were accounted for.

But he missed a pitch, burn him.  Not on your life. I missed plenty too, you want to step up to his plate?  Watch out for fast balls, that’s advice it will cost ya.

I am tired of smelling like shit to clean up societies mess.  Anyone else?

If we forgive them they could retaliate on us.  This is true.  If we don’t God won’t forgive us.  Not being forgiven is a huge temptation.  If nobody will give you the time of day imagine what that could do to your life?  God said woe be to the tempter.  Easy to call someone not a Christian once they are set down the wrong path. Nobody’s life should be summed up by the actions of one moment in time.

Not sure if anyone out there is reading any of this.  If they are I lack support.  I have used this blog as a bit of a vent for me personally when originally designed it to be a way to share some of the programming knowledge I have.  If there is some content on here that is too adult for some audiences please forgive me.  I was left with a lot of why’s in life, and this highlights my frustration and thought processes.  

A lot of this stuff has been probably thought of before, maybe just some were not willing or able to speak it to me directly.  Ignorance is bliss might apply to some situations, but when you find out things too late in life to do anything about it, it feels like a kick in the teeth.  Still some answers beat none at all.  Life is fast paced and full of obstacles and not everyone has time to slow down to tell people what’s up.  This can be really difficult for children and young adults.  

I too am just trying to put the puzzle pieces together at times so if these thoughts don’t correlate to your life experiences or you have other sets of thoughts please feel free to let me know.  Please use words  and speak to me directly though because silence and painting without words can leave a lot open to interpretation.  I generally like looking at a painting, listening to a song, or watching a movie with out commentary first as most people will perceive it that way.  It is nice to have commentary though on what the author was thinking.  People’s lives can be looked at like a painting but think of words and support as part of the paint.  Without them your left with an unfinished masterpiece.

I realize at some times people aren’t at liberty to speak to me directly, just please don’t use that as an excuse if not actually necessary.  Further if you speak to me directly please try to use a light touch when possible.  Also try not to leverage those in charge, because if they feel someone is scamming them, they might drown out the real cries for help.

People without answers sometimes go in search of them.  Finding those answers could jeopardize others.  Sometimes it could jeopardize lives and sometimes it could jeopardize pocket books.  This is something not so obvious with leverage.  Some people know things that can get others in unrelated incidents in trouble or dead.  

Under the gun people might say anything and everything.  Truth or lies, half truths, or implicate people from way earlier in life that long since evolved past the mistake they made at this time.  Further a room could be bugged by local, national, or international forces.  Just because it didn’t matter to the search that person is on doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to others in the world.

The unknown and being left without answers can have serious and long lasting implications.  Finding answers can have the same problems.  Being left with a box and told not to open it nothing good can come from that doesn’t really make people want to open the box less.  Some people might have had your best interests in mind when they tell you not to open the box.  Other’s might not.  

Some will use the excuse of once you have opened a box not to help you.  They’re in too deep now, nothing I can do.  Like seeing a friend in the middle of a volcano.  The lava is rising, no helicopter, no rope, no ladder.  Nobody wants to see their friend hurt, easy to want to look away.

Sometimes when people think someone knows something they might beat them like a piñata until they spill what’s inside.  This is not a controlled environment.  The problem with that?  You are leaving a lot of variables to chance.  They might just as quickly run off the road, have a heart attack, contact the wrong people for protection, or blame the wrong people.  “But what if they had information I needed that not knowing could get me or my family in trouble”.  That is a possibility.  One of many.  

People in the middle of already stressful situations might be more apt to try and extract information without caring about the consequences.  If life is good, do I really need to know?  Or my life has been a shit storm since they have been around.  What is going on?  There might be many people that have a stake in an answer.  Some want the truth to come out and some don’t.  Some view your suffering or implications in life of the unknown as inconsequential.  

People without answers are more prone to think so but that is not always the case.  Is easy to minimize being left without answers until your the one left in the dark.  Left to a bottle to drink themselves into a coma.  Some people will manufacture answers in their lives for the unknown.  They will blame systems, or people, human nature, anything to give them reasons why.  When people are searching for answers or opening the box they don’t understand the implications or the side effects of their actions.  

An unknown cost is hard to plan for in the budget of life.  Some that want to protect their pocket book might think you the cost is high or lives are at stake when they are not.  Some of those people could have been mistreated by society and forced to beg and suffer so they are so jaded to trying to protect themselves they don’t understand the impacts they have on the lives around them.

Being in the group has consequences and being out of the group has consequences.  Having information has consequences and not having information has consequences.  If you knew getting an answer could help one friend and hurt another what would you do.  Maybe you don’t know which friends and how much or how little it could effect their lives.  

People with a good life might not want to risk rolling the dice.  If you have only got snake eyes for years, you might be more likely to roll the dice and find out what is inside the box.  A good reason to look out for everyone early on in the picture.  When people are happy and healthy they are less likely to want open the box.  Just because they didn’t open the box doesn’t mean someone else will.  Some think if we only removed that outlier the boat wouldn’t rock.  

People prefer to believe the system is stable and their lives will keep going in the same direction.  They resist change because life is good or stable enough for them, they can be oblivious to the sufferings of people around them.  They can know there is a problem and not be able to fix it.  They might view the cost is just too high.  This can create instability long term in the system.  People that are mistreated can join forces, so governments or corporations can try and micromanage their lives to insure their own stability.  A little money from corporations to the disaffected would be far preferable to a ground game of systemic corruption.  Sadly some could play this up for the sake of a scam, or the amount of people could instantly go to a number that could bankrupt a company and it can seem like the world is against your family having jobs.  

Recall notices and public safety trump corporate decisions, though it would be nice if the community worked together to leave them afloat so they can actually pay the settlements and not take away everyone’s jobs.  Doing this though might be unfair to the rest of the public, their company got money and my company and workers were struggling?  I should maintain a 150000 salary for a CEO when I was left to suffer on the street?  Maybe the guy left on the street is in charge now, why best to protect and look out for people and to push for a more forgiving and merciful world.  Some might thinking throwing more shit on the guy or making him out to be a monster might save a company from failing.  If the guy calling us out looks bad we look better.  Not very wise.

Private jets and expensive corporate parties can help hotels and people build jets.  They can help CEOs quickly get to meetings that could mean saving the jobs for many around them.  If your the guy on the street knowing people are living it up around you, it hurts.  Doesn’t mean people are wrong for wanting nice things or to have a good time.  It is not unreasonable though for the people on the street to want their life out of the gutter.  Add in systemic oppression and this can be very jading.  Against God, against corporations, against the government.  

Filtering out the scams from the true problem is hard when protecting your self and your family, it has to be much more difficult with a company that has thousands of people.  Don’t prevent enough scams and the corporation goes under and all the people lose their jobs.  Some CEOs might put quotas on how much money they will dole out.  Doesn’t make much difference what the CEO is thinking when their choices left your family hurting.  CEOs might not always know the defense that their company is running both good and bad.  Nice to think everyone is looking out for each other though not always the case.  “Quiet, if you try to scam the company I will let them know about your past.”  “But they actually hurt me. “ Wouldn’t want my company fighting dirty – though not being a CEO it might be hard to know how bad the scams get.  Easy to point fingers when your not trying to protect thousands of people’s jobs.

Can you truly love the person your firing?  If you can how jading is that.  If you know a CEO cares about you that much and still fires you.  How jading is that?  Probably how people getting divorced feel who still care deeply about each other.  Almost better to be crass, unapologetic, and mean so they at least have someone to blame.  I understand the reasoning.  Maybe the jade is just a bit too burdensome to carry.  Harvey firing Donna, or Donna quitting on Harvey – USA series Suits

It is easy to blame someone for opening the box. “You just couldn’t leave it alone, you just couldn’t let us all live life happily ever after”. Easier to say when your not the one left in the dark. No happily ever was ever guarantied and always wise to remember just because they opened the box doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t have in the near future. Forgiveness and reconciliation early and often.

When people are hurt or let down they might give silence to people.  It is not always a conscious choice.  They are hurt and they walk away.  Problem is after some things happen sometimes a lot of people can leave that person in silence.  There was no consorted plan on the part of people yet the combination of people turning away in someone’s life can have a dramatic impact.  People are busy and trying to achieve their goals yet without close support the person left in silence can feel more hurt and isolated.  People can use this to suppress support for a person already hurting which can be difficult.  This can turn them away from God.

I am pro life.  That includes the lives of the people that disagree with me on this.  The idea that we all couldn’t do more to prevent the situations that lead to abortions would be a lie.  This is a tough topic.  I want to protect babies after conception.  I can understand in a world that doesn’t take care of babies after they leave the womb, some women might think it better to not give the baby a chance at life.  Some people might confuse the science and tell them it is just a couple cells like a bacteria, no big deal.  Parents of the father or mother might pressure a woman to make a choice she might otherwise not make.  Further there are cases where a pregnancy might not be viable.  I believe in these cases the life of the mother should be protected.  Some might use this as an excuse to terminate a viable pregnancy.

Complexity leaves room open for confusion and convolution.  I understand how some might not want to get involved with the complexity of calling when a person is a person.  I strongly believe that after conception the human path has begun.  I don’t believe altering that path is my choice unless there are life threatening reasons to do so.  This is a hard stance to take in this country today.  

If a woman in my life had an abortion, and she thought it a mistake I wouldn’t want her to beat herself up over it.  There are many complexities in the day and age we are living that might tempt someone to terminate early.  That said if someone continuously had abortions of viable pregnancies that would hurt me.  People could easily be scaled to this with silence and without support.  Loving people correctly that are acting in a way contrary to what I believe God would want is hard.  

Christians don’t agree on everything, though this is something I have a strong belief about.  Just like I have a strong belief about forgiveness.  Once someone has made a choice like this I could understand it might be hard to admit where they were wrong, they might continue to feel as though they did not.  I am not the end all judge on this.  This is my opinion and I support legislation to protect babies after conception.  This should also include legislation to support the babies that are in more difficult environments.  

Simply, I think after conception though shall not kill.  Doesn’t mean I think people that have made mistakes are not Christians.  I also don’t always agree on what a mistake is.  Perhaps I have not heard the right words from the right person yet.  Sometimes I make choices that are non optimal because in certain situations it can be hard to see clearly.  Under oppression just deal with it becomes much tougher.  I tend to believe that some sins are greater than others though when God looks at everything I am not sure He will see it that way.  What is the power of one lie? Stealing a loaf of bread equivalent to murder?

Incest and rape are monstrous.  If I were a woman I can’t say I would want to be forced to carry a child to term.  One sin doesn’t justify another.  Executing an inmate isn’t justified by the crimes he committed.

Talking about this kind of stuff is heartbreaking.  So I can see why people might stray from this topic.  Hopefully if nothing else this can show people where I stand on the issue.  I joined a group a while back on Facebook called Abortion is Murder.  This is a strong stance that can probably upset some people.  All terminations of pregnancies being joined to the word abortion makes the naming of that group possibly a bit unwise.  Might have been harder to say I agree that termination of a viable pregnancy is killing a person.  Names and words are powerful.  Short names are easy to remember but can leave a lot unsaid.  Hopefully this clarifies things a bit.  People arguing this point might use words more suited to their opinion.

Sex before marriage can help create some of these complexities.  Not something you always hear before a frat party or meeting a woman at a bar 3 drinks in.  But it worked out on Friends, not always how it plays out in real life.  Sex sells in Hollywood and not everyone can discern between what makes a good movie and what makes a good life.

Last leaving anyone in silence can create as many problems as it solves. Not how I wish to be treated and sometimes I never seemed to have the right words. Maybe some were just too jaded by the time I got there. Not always easy to find the right person to talk to the one hurting.

People are at different places in life.  One person makes one mistake and another person makes a different one.  Both mistakes matter, both have implications.  Some mistakes people decide have to be fixed before moving forward.  While I agree in some instances, I don’t agree with this is the case in all instances.

A tire has to be fixed before getting on the road.  Driving on the axle won’t work.  People wrong each other in different ways.  They don’t understand each other at the time and easily judge the other without understanding more of what is going on.  I am not immune to this reality.  I might have had the wrong words at the time I spoke to someone.  When we prevent people from moving forward sometimes we never arrive at the words we should have said.  The right person in our lives can make all the difference and same for the wrong person.

People that don’t forgive and always react a certain way are robotic.  This can be misused by people that understand this which can be very dangerous.  Add drugs like alcohol, some prescription meds, and some over the counter meds.  Add media from movies and music this can further complicate things.  People like pushing each other’s buttons at times to get a rise out of them.  Fighting this nature is difficult.  

To further complicate matters the people producing the medications, movies, and music might not realize how their pieces are perceived in composition.  I took drug A and watched movie B, and add in lost job effects C.  A+B+C = ?  Some might know this and some might not.  For judges or jurors to judge effectively they should know this, though it is likely some of these combinations are so dangerous they are hidden from public view.  Some of this can drastically change the way people act.  Some very successful people probably know some of the combinations in their fields and even if they know the down sides they aren’t always easily able to say.

Testosterone makes you feel great when your on it.  When it leaves your system it can lead to anger.  People say Testosterone doesn’t make you mad it is the lack of Testosterone.  While this is literally true, the reality is taking it creates an up swing and a down swing and when I was on it this can make me prone to anger.  Doesn’t effect everyone the same, though some might think it would be taken away if they told the truth.  I had a prescription.  If my life was going fine and I didn’t have any problems it would have been better.  

Sadly life doesn’t wait for people with health problems.  No different for a person with diabetes.  You never know what people are taking for their health problems so overloading anyone isn’t wise.  Bring in corporate games and stressful situations like combating corruption it could have devastating consequences.  Men lose Testosterone as they get older, so this isn’t a knock on the medication, just want people to understand.  An older man might have more trouble with anger due to all this.

Compound in people wanting to use your life to tell a story, it can be overwhelming.  Death by 1000 cuts is not a good way to live, why we need to look out for and protect each other.  Given all that, the no forward until fix really can be detrimental.  Magnify the good and steer away from the bad.  Also better to do this with words because giving people extra life experiences might be more than they can handle at the time.  If you knew what I knew you wouldn’t add that on top of their life right now.  Don’t use this as an execute to say someone can’t handle something.  

Stagnating people and not telling them why is no way for anyone to be treated.  This requires people to not take things out of context, and to handle it responsibly.  Some people abuse the truth so maybe that is why I was kept in the dark.  Doesn’t really make me happy that I got grouped in with the untrustworthy.  Further pride and protecting image can be valued over telling someone something that could save years of pain and heartache.

The truth hurts sometimes.  Telling someone they aren’t at the level you need is difficult.  It is insulting.  It is still better to hear the truth.  Sadly telling people the truth to people that don’t have access to the resources they need to be competitive is heart breaking.  Why we need to work together with each other to help achieve dreams in a safe and effective way.  If we limit an artist because we think they might paint the wrong picture, they might find funding from the wrong people.  Better to empower them and inspire them to understand how powerful a painting is and what value it can add or subtract from a situation.  Some of the slight grey areas are slippery slopes and people don’t always understand the end game.  

If an FBI agent read about 20 people dieing from something they would likely be jaded to think it is horrible.  They don’t always pass the information along to everyone else, possibly because it is so burdensome.  That kind of stuff could probably be really depressing to see day in and day out.  Be careful what you ask for.  At the same time do you just want to hear don’t do that without a why?  Marijuana is bad. Why? Its bad. Why? An example of where a government limiting knowledge might make people more apt to try something.  Governments lie about other things, why should I just trust them with that?  

Maybe some people have had closer friendships in the FBI so they might have been given the knowledge they need to steer clear of some problems.  Not really fair for part of society to get the info and not the rest.  Not fair that some people get viewed as less desirable to have around so they miss out on the info they need to lead a better life.  But they are a liability.  Not looking out for someone and not talking to someone might be more of a liability.  When lives are on the line though I understand why they would want to be careful.  Not everyone knows what they are mixed up in and this is a sad reality.

In an ideal world people look out for each other, support and protect each other.  An example of not being supported is saying “That woman will be a tyrant don’t let her in charge (she broke up with me and I am still mad)”.  Instead tell her the qualities she needs to change to be a better leader and look deep inside to make sure the reasons aren’t hidden resentment.  This is one of the unseen problems of having relationships at work.  Sometimes it is not about the short term it is about the long term.  When people want promotions later it can cloud the decision making process.  This seems obvious, though I really haven’t picked up on it until today.

Given that some people can be mixed up in things hidden from view, it is wise to be merciful and allow them to move forward when possible.  If they wronged you it might take the right support in their life to help them make amends.  

If we don’t give them a chance who will?  But they are a liability.  I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, why not give them a chance?  Because it will increase your likelyhood of being hit by that bus.  Can’t eliminate all risk in life, if we have the right support to take proper precautions give them a chance.  If not “we went another route” (situation is too risky).  But why?  3 years later, but why?  5 years later but why?  Long term effect not great for people not strong enough to handle the unknown.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t had a relationship. Labeled, better luck next life.  Maybe 10 years from now things will be better.

The saddest thing of all this is saying this kind of stuff will be used by some to make me sound crazy.  If the system is leaving you under the bus, change it for the better.  But we don’t want him in the system, so taxation without representation.  Not a call to revolution, just pointing out it’s not fair.  It is oppression in our country.  Not always easy to realize until we are the ones left under that bus.  Hearing this kind of stuff directly would have helped me understand, so I am writing it down.

Last some will make you think you made a mistake you didn’t.  That unknown is a powerful tool for leverage.  But if he knew that we couldn’t use him.