My Tech Blog

I am 37 years old. I don’t have close to all the answers.  This is my perspective so take it or leave it.

I have tried various drugs Marijuana and Adderall.  I took a supplement that was called 1AD a precursor to an androgen.  I have taken many legal supplements and over the counter drugs.  I have drank alcohol on and off at different times, many times to excess.  Some drugs I have taken wanting to feel better, some to help optimize my performance though not for competition on the sports field.

My advice with drugs is generally as little as possible and no less.  I like caffeine because it has helped me concentrate better. I have drank alcohol for bad reasons and some good reasons such as thinning my blood.  I only took Marijuana once.  Adderall only once as far as I know.  I suspect that I might have been dosed with LSD in the past though it could have been something else.  This was not my choice.  Psychological, Lack of sleep, and other stresses and health problem has affected my cognitive functions at times as well.

Some people need medications to survive.  Problem is medications often bring side effects, some on the label and some off the label.  Drinking alcohol makes me tired, so I might drink caffeine to counteract this a bit.  This doesn’t make it ok to drive, just saying drugs bring a bit of a balancing act which is hard to maintain for prolonged periods in life.  What happens when you lose a job, you get delayed in an environment where you don’t have access to it, or what happens if it’s side effects make you miss something you would have otherwise caught.  You might catch other important things with heightened focus, though the key here is to know the effects of what you are using and they are not always obvious under the influence.  This world has a lot of evil in it as well, so those under the influence are easier targets for it both direct and indirect.

The more drugs the more side effects, and the optimization balancing act continues.  This is a requirement for people that have Diabetes or other health problems that require medication.  We as a community need to support each other, because people could be at a different part of the balancing act and we don’t know it.  Further some medications bring stigmas Marijuana – lazy, Alcohol – out of control, Caffeine – wired, etc.  Some of these stigmas are unfair though they exist non the less.  We live in a competitive world, and in bad times it will get more competitive.  Smoking pot shouldn’t mean you end up in a homeless shelter, though often times in reality and practice it can.  It doesn’t mean everyone in a homeless shelter is there because of smoking too much pot.  The reason I say this is to make people understand what is being risked, because it is not always obvious.

I have generally thought Marijuana should be legal.  Over regulation seems like it causes significant problems and being lied to doesn’t make me want to believe in the laws.  At the same time I don’t think it should be used by everybody.  CEOs, Doctors, Engineers, and infrastructure are a lot of good jobs.  I don’t think I would want someone that smokes pot too frequently doing these jobs because they might miss something important.  I don’t want to smoke it because I have enough other problems that attack my productivity.

Music, Art, Video I think has likely been influenced by some drugs in creative ways.  Creativity is also very powerful, so one might question under the influence if people would miss something, or maybe create something that is detrimental.  There has also been studies that have shown Marijuana is bad for children and I tend to believe this.  

Lack of real healthcare leads to people self medicating, so until we fix this as society I can’t judge anyone for self medicating.  I also don’t believe in judging someone for their past use.  Sometimes what people need is a real chance for things to get better.  Further anyone could have something slipped into their drink or airstream, so I am not a big believer in drug tests.  I might be more apt to believe lie detector tests, though in oppressive systems they can be detrimental too.  Also money and profits control a lot about medications and this causes numerous problems.  Just because they can fix something doesn’t mean they do.  Marijuana might be a safer route than some of the medications pushed by Big Pharmaceutical.  Also people that are pushed to the point in their life to take Marijuana should be protected from the evils associated with cartels and people modifying supply lines.  Legalization and regulation can at least give people some quality control, though this isn’t perfect and is subject to the dollar like other support systems.  Bring in oppressive governments or people trying to teach you a lesson and it is hard to rule things out. More influences the more difficult it is to know what’s the effect of the drug and what is not.  Evil people can use this fact to their advantage.

There are some drugs that can remove taste and smell.  In normal cases this could be no big deal and might lead people to be safe.  If there is a gas leak this could be a significant problem.  So again sometimes less is more and we always need to look out and support each other because we are all viewing life through some distortion.

I am not perfect. I believe sober people haven’t always treated me right and people under the influence have protected me at times.  The inverse is definitely possible and probable at times as well.  Alcohol has brought problems at times in my life, it has also reduced anxiety.  What people don’t always understand is when we are young we take for granted things like being able to sleep and eat without problems.  Drinking alcohol has led to stomach problems in my life, and made me more anxious at times when I go without it.  Not really the warning label you get when your going out for a drink with friends in college.

It would be ideal to find the optimization algorithms that give the benefits of heightened awareness and physical strength without balancing act and side effects.  This is a competitive world as well, and some with the knowledge of the optimized life might keep it as a trade secret.  This world has more than one solution to many problems, and finding the optimal ones aren’t always easy.  If we could trust everything people tell us that would be different.  Some people don’t want us to succeed.  Some people want us to chase the wrong solution to gain a competitive advantage.  Some people might not like the idea of you or me advancing because of preconceived ideas or one comment we made in jest they didn’t like.

Important to remember that Christ’s way of thinking and forgiveness is not embraced by everyone.  So in a competitive job market it is easy to be labeled in an unfair way.  Whether you smoked pot 5 years ago shouldn’t matter when you are considered for a promotion.  Other’s might not be that forgiving, specially when things are neck and neck.  Specially when automation is taking away many of the jobs we have, and the pace is accelerating.  Being young it is not easy to be saddled with so many burdens and I wish our world was better at forgiveness and not being sharks.  Would be nice to think jobs are plentiful, people are forgiving, and every word doesn’t matter.  Sadly when times are tougher it can be more of a problem.

If you made it this far I am impressed.  When I was younger I was a bit more full hearty and didn’t listen to everyone.   Not saying all voices have your best interest at heart, just sometimes we forgo good advice for popularity and convenience of a quick  fix.  Some people are saying the right things but possibly in the wrong way to you, so if my advice and wisdom doesn’t get through hopefully someone else will.  Younger people can egg each other along as well, so bad ideas can snowball and turn a simple night of having drinks with friends into something really bad.  

Beautiful young women you have a lot of power to do good, so please try and be a positive influence to the men in your lives.  The battered wives later in life might come looking for the woman that set their man down the wrong path.  You like them bad? I liked them bad.  The Devil is popular until he’s not.  Easy to confuse disobeying good laws with fighting oppression, if we had a better system it might be easier for younger women to discern the men that are looking out for them and the rest of society.  

I have rewarded bad behavior at times as well, not always easy to stop caring about the ones you care about.  Can I have the attitude without the problems?  The attitude that stands up and fights for what is right, makes me laugh, the strength to tell me when I am wrong.  Without the passive aggressive attacks and miscommunications and the years of unforgiveness?  The beauty without the pain.  Sometimes the same qualities that bring out the things we love about a person are qualities that rub us the wrong way.  Attitude, I like that, sometimes yes and sometimes no

We need a country where we all are proud to live in.  Until then we have work to do.  Not eliminating people, eliminating the problems that seems to enshroud us all.  If changing a name helps instead of hurts change it. A fort or a mountain by a different name seems a small price to pay to help people feel more welcome.  All people might not agree, so we need to choose what is best for all.  The majority does not mean all, the minority does not mean all.  Any race, tribe, class, or group does not mean all.  All means all.

A pay check helps.  A pay check without emotional support will never be enough.  A pay check and artificial ceilings will never be enough.  People play the hand they are dealt, and there are a lot of bad hands out there.  If someone’s cards are bad they have two options.  Fold or bluff.  In life it is shitty to be given those options.  This is why we owe it to everyone to help make their hands better.  Not make them feel as they need to resort to scams, leverage, or manipulation just to have a chance at life.  How we got to where we are was caused by many different issues.  From history, from human nature, from greed, from corruption.  

It matters and it doesn’t.  How do we make tomorrow better for everyone, how do we not leave runs or touchdowns on the field?  The task is daunting, our resources are low, we are in massive debt, and we have people with health problems that are going unfixed.  When we do fix health problems we medicate the symptoms possibly because we can’t fix the problems, or possibly because society is just too tired.  Pile up enough problems on anyone and it can become overwhelming.  This is why direct support is crucial.  If we can’t talk directly about issues, have real conversation, things will get missed.  I realize oppression in many forms can prevent people from having real conversation.  Threats and leverage don’t open up real conversation, they silence it.

We have massive gains in technology.  We have a choice, do we use that technology to help better each other’s life, help people find connections and love, or do we use it to make each other’s life miserable?  My vote is love conquers.  That one, they are one of us.  That one, I want in my life.  Because God didn’t make anyone for less than greatness.

It’s difficult to understand that those who flee oppressive environments constantly live in fear of it.  It would be nice to think that we could all move on from the past and be able to forget the problems of the past.  Some people fear that they haven’t escaped the reach of oppression even after they have left that environment.  An interconnected world where we put financial and health information online could help us detect diseases earlier and could help doctors easily get the information they need.  The bad is people that have fled oppression whether governments, mobs, crazy ex boyfriends etc know their records and location data is now available.  What happens when we move a data center to China, or Russia, or to a city where the mob has control, or an out of control religious group for that matter.  On another note some might scale this perception up to drum up business for their city.

The greater good should not come at the cost of making a minority, any minority’s life worse. The problem is technology advances so much.  We live in a world now where everything and everyone has the potential to be bugged.  What was done in the name of national security to protect us from terrorist, a very real threat, can now be used at the whim of those in charge to do as they please.  Sometimes the change can be so gradual that we all miss it and wake up one day thinking what on earth happened?  Also we can create a system that works for years and a bad leader, organization, or slight advance in technology could turn something good into a machine of distraction or destruction.  

Leaders can be puppets as well as controlled by machinery and health problems installed in them, or the same in the non literal sense.  Drugs and medicine can save lives.  They can also be weaponized in direct and indirect ways.  Even well meaning doctors without a true understanding of the underlying problems can be part of an engine of oppression.  The doctors could not understand what is happening or they could understand it and be powerless to stop it.  This is sad, people who have devoted their lives to the preservation of life are now tools that trample the flowers beneath their feet rather than helping them to grow.

Good times where everyone is prosperous and things are going great for everyone are easier, or at least seemingly so.  We grow accustomed to a certain way of life and wanting to believe the best in the world around us.  We simplify our world view and tend to think everyone feels the same as us.  We think resources and jobs are prosperous, everyone gets healthcare and those who do don’t are just choosing not to get help.  So the problems are there it is just easy to see the world as if it is all perfect.  With less interaction with people outside of our circles we are jaded (might be a better word here, under the spell of an illusion) that life is good, when in reality it is hard for many.

Finding the true reality is hard, can get the people we think are close to us to turn on us, and the answers and reality we find can be dark and grim.  We are let out of the cave, yet we find ourselves wanting to return to a place where there is not so much tragedy.  

This a bit of a dark view.  Maybe we get let out of the cave and see wonderful and amazing things and find ourselves in a new and beautiful tomorrow.  Then we fight tooth and nail never to return.  Or another possible scenario is we see new things wonderful and amazing and terrible and tragic.  Or maybe the inverse less highs and less lows.  Different people making changes in their lives, risking instability for the potential of a better tomorrow.  Or sacrificing the hope of a better tomorrow for stability today.  

Some who get support and prosper and flourish and others who do not and are further jaded by life.  Probably many who get some support and some obstacles.  Scale up the support and likely their tomorrow is better.  Increase the obstacles and the barrier to a better tomorrow is limited.  Further some can be lead to believe there will be more support and less obstacles yet get stuck in a new situation they don’t like and didn’t want.  

Other’s might do everything right and due to circumstances out of their control are prevented from achieving their dreams.  The directors ex wore red and black and broke his heart.  It’s not you did anything wrong, the dress is beautiful.  Life is more than the sum of our own actions.  This is difficult.  This where the right support is crucial, knowing what to say and who to say it to is hard.  The right word at the right times and in the right way can save dreams and lives.  Protect and make sure your PR people have all the support they need.

For those in charge having support that is not trying to take their power or manipulate a better deal for a subset of people is hard to find.  The support is crucial to success and yet is many times suspect.  Those in charge could be jaded into not taking support or advice at a crucial time.  They decide to go it alone because they feel everyone around them is trying to manipulate them instead of help them.  Sometimes they have to go it alone because everyone is.  Though one would hope they could have a few close friends that always look out for each other.  A rogue leader devoid of direct support would likely be labeled a tyrant whether true or not.

Popularity is profitable because it gains people support.  It can also be deceptive because not all the voices have yours or other’s best interest at hearts.  Saying the wrong thing or the right thing in the wrong way could cost you popularity and support that could leave you on the street or worse.  Some popular people want to help yet could make the decision they value their support over speaking up when needed.  They are choosing their battles and looking at the cost benefit.  Is being friends with this guy worth the risk?  I can’t blame them, because in a world where image matters so much, and popularity is so fleeting it might be extremely costly to be close to someone like me.  Love should be greater than this, yet I understand why people love being off the street.  My preference at many stages has been to try to speak up.  From what I can tell so far it hasn’t added much value, to my life or others.  Doing the thing we think is right doesn’t always have the right result.  This is jading.

Some might prevent me from saying this last part.  Because we always want people to speak up and do the right thing.  I just want people to have the wisdom, at least as I see it.  Being a hero is likely to cause anyone problems in a fallen world, yet without them who will save us?  Sometimes it’s easier to run into battle when we don’t know the cost, and when I was younger and hadn’t been on the street these thoughts didn’t occur to me.  I am not saying don’t speak up just realize the high road is not always an easy one or a popular one.  Also realize taking the wrong road can give you the same problems or worse later down the line.  So better to take the high road.  Also look to support those who take the high road because they will likely fight a lot of adversity.  This is when not having support can leave people in the gutter.  

Don’t hand a guy a football and expect him to make a touchdown if you don’t stay on the field to help protect him.  Also why the star players should help make sure their support is getting everything they need.  Last realize that any one can fail, fumble, be blindsided at any point in all of this.  Why lawyers have acts of God clause.  So don’t leave the blame all on a few or use it as an excuse to deny them support.  Today is what it is, working harder might make tomorrow better with a bit of luck and direction.

Copyright law seems very gotcha.  You made a high table, you plagurized Jesus.  Pay up.  You made an arch, you plagurized the Roman’s.  Pay up.  You are a derivative work of society.  Pay up.  We shouldn’t make gotcha type laws to compete against Chinese companies.  These laws seem to protect those wealthy enough to afford lawyers.  Instead of having our companies concentrating on adding value and producing a product we are artificially protecting bigger companies at the expense of those with less.  A bit ridiculous for the same companies that have stolen through controlling the legal system to be complaining about others taking their work and innovating on top of it.  I am inspired by many works in society and life.  It seems a bit unfair to credit a few and not all.  Also seems like people will misuse the credit I do give to try and steal my work from me.  Gray area in law seems very snakish.  

Seems like those with the most money and scream the loudest are protected.  Young aspiring artists and inventors deserve better than this.  We don’t make room in the industry for more and we make laws that handicaps new innovation.  Then we end up with a lot of shit in our products.  And to top it off I get labeled with bullshit and get prevented from working.  Imagine being a PR guy and having to protect a country doing this.  People that have suffered for their country deserve better than to be trapped under a snakish legal system.  The right and the left media outlets fail to really call this stuff out.  Why, probably because they are afraid of the people that make their tools.  Want me to believe we have fair elections?  Fix this.  Until then just stop talking about how fair the elections are.  Being oppressed and then being lied to about how fair the system is makes me want to puke.

The amount of IP stolen from the oppressed is probably one of the greater heists in human history.  The first thing to do is to fix the laws.  Maybe then we go for reparations.  Laws and a system that make it more difficult for those with less to compete isn’t a great or good system.  It is not a system that I can truly inspire others to believe in either.  Art and Technology are good jobs and healthy avenues for a society to vent.  If we take away people’s potential in the good areas in life we might raise their potential in the wrong areas in life.  Sad thing is just speaking truth to some things might be misread as a call to revolution or a threat.  Give people positive avenues to produce and add value to society or they will likely be apathetic when it is important at best and might detract from society.

The way I see it.  Our system profits a few at the expense of many.  It invades our laws and legal system, our corporations, and many other parts of life.  We create monsters trying to fight for their piece of the pie.  Some win and many more lose.  Our legal system is a bit of a mockery.  Justice in this kind of system is a joke.  Seems hard to believe and trust in a God that lets this be the status quo.  Some say life isn’t a race, my belief is that’s what those who want to win would say.  Course I figured that out a bit late so I am already so far behind.  

People are mean, selfish, manipulative and will always look out for number one or so it seems.  They are trying to get their piece of the pie and they have been shown time and time again they can’t from the right routes.  This is heart breaking.  People are also creative, inspiring, loving, and supportive.  The supportive part is a lot more rare than it should be in my life.  Maybe for others as well.  Always will be excuses for leaving someone out.  Treat other’s as they wish to be treated, what I wouldn’t give to see that.  Don’t feel like I can even get that from Church these days.  We make a set of the population bitter then we blame them for not wanting to be part of the society that burned them.  This isn’t love.  For all the technology, advances in medicine, ability to reach the stars, we can’t seem to make life more enjoyable for everyone.  When we reach that, we could consider ourselves advanced.  Until then society is archaic.  Life is suffering because we can’t find real solutions to problems.  Killing people, leaving people in cages, or drugging them into being zombies isn’t real solutions. It’s more gas for a fire that is already out of control.

Don’t design a system that leaves people on the sidelines. Don’t design a system that makes it more difficult for those with less support from being able to better their life. A pay check and silence is not enough. Conversation and no increase in resources is not enough. Resources and emotional support is the ticket to a better tomorrow. Not either or. Wisdom and real conversation are vital to emotional support.

Forced

Tech companies and media companies that force people to see things they don’t want to see is like A Clockwork Orange.  If I don’t want to see something and it is shown to me repeatedly it has the opposite effect.  I want to promote diversity and inclusion of people of all types.  Showing me things I don’t want to see like pornographic, insulting, or extremely violent imagery when I just want to read the news prevents me from reading it properly.  Can’t have a fair election if the tools to get that information are adulterated.  Yes this can be ify terroritory.  If the news doesn’t show people being mistreated their screams will go in silence.  On the other end of the spectrum enough bad imagery makes us miss the important information.  Don’t destroy the nation to push home a point about anything.  Without the nation it is likely we lose the power to protect even more people.  

So the point to be more inclusive of transgender and homosexual people, while valid could prevent some from getting news or feeling included in society.  Some of this kind of stuff will just make some want to scale up problems until the system collapses.  Then there is a power vacuum where Nazis or other evils can gain power.  The new evil might be less considerate than the current imperfect system.  Don’t trade slight injustices for gas chambers.  The slight injustices need to be fixed because it is a slippery slope I agree.  Real conversation beats ramming imagery down people’s throat.  Protests should be protected, and people should be able to keep living their lives without a monstrous level of discomfort.  If everyone protests through their systems we would have to worry about the food we eat and the cars we drive.  Doesn’t really help promote diversity when some can only shop certain places without being attacked.  Tech companies can cause depression, they can prevent people from working, they can thus prevent people from eating, having a food to eat and a roof over their head, or being able to have healthcare.  Not the appropriate place to protest.  I would not want my mechanic protesting or my doctors protesting in their systems.  Oppression leads to injustice, and injustice breaks the system for everyone.

So don’t oppress people.  Seems so simple yet the anti bullying can be a bully too.  Reality and perception don’t always correlate to truth.  We create the very thing we want to stop.  That’s why the means to the end matters.  I realize there are cases which require breaking evil laws or norms.  Problem is it is not always easy to tell where that line is.  Someone being executed and leaders not listening might result in people using creative ways to get there information across.  The popular decision is not always the most well received.  So if we have a system that protests in ways that destroy lives people might try to do the popular thing instead of the right thing.  The problem seems so circular and cyclic.  The only way out seems to be to find ways to express injustices in ways that don’t get people hurt.  “Hurt people hurt people” so don’t hurt people.  We are also all imperfect and thus likely to fail each other.  Being failed hurts.  People are messy, life is messy, so we always need a mop to help people shine.  Just don’t lump people in with the dirt.  Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.  All people’s lives are valuable, it just might take more work to make some shine.

Not everyone is equipped with the same gifts or resources.  Some people refusing to help because they don’t have the right words or the right resources might lead to everyone not helping because they perceive it the same.  Then the person doesn’t get helped and furthers the problem.  Why the people fighting the good fight need resources.

I live in the USA in 2020.  This is a record for future generations.  Currently our country is one of the great super powers in the world.  We have sent a man to the moon and through amazing and brilliant minds we have helped bring about the dawn of an incredible technological age.  

For some reason for all the amazing achievements we have mastered we still do not provide healthcare to all our citizens.  We have people that still end up on the streets while skyscrapers sit empty.  We are dealing with a global pandemic, we have great racial systemic problems, and human trafficking and oppression are still a major problem in the world.

I write this with broken teeth and numerous health problems. My back hurts, my stomach hurts, and I have some more unseemly health issues that have gone un cured.  Our medical system does not easily disclose costs and we have a national debt that is likely to enslave future generations to poverty.  For our great achievements we have failed to heed the warnings of global climate change, security in cyberspace, and have sat by in the face of deep and dark oppressions in the world and in our own country.

We are increasing corporate profits and automation which seems to benefit the few rather than the masses.  All industries are converging in the technology space so less jobs are available.  It seems like we are at a turning point in human history and many are too afraid for various reasons to speak up to the root of the problem.

I love our country and I believe the idea of the American dream is a beautiful one.  One that should be achievable by everyone in the world.  I choose to love the world because I believe that a happy and prosperous world for all people helps protect us all.  I have been a Christian for much of my life, though I believe some of my prayers go unanswered.  I have been thankful for some unanswered prayers and I have suffered in misery at other times.  

I am far from perfect and I realize we live in a broken and fallen world.  When children die of cancer, when people jump out of skyscrapers, and people freeze to death on the side of the street in is difficult for me to believe that the creator of this world is good.  It doesn’t mean He isn’t, I am just having a hard time seeing it in my present state.

I am pro life, against the death penalty, against torture, for healthcare (including dental) for all, for living and thriving wages for all, for the environment, for diversity, and against systemic depression.  I guess that makes me a Republican and a Democrat, a Centrist, and a bit of the group that believes in freedom for all, sorry having a bit of trouble recalling the name right now.  I believe people should be protected from harmful drugs and also believe that is right for some isn’t right for all.  Corporate profits seem to dictate some laws right now which I don’t think is in the best interest of all people.  I have some perspective though with lack of direct support I only know what I see from images on the wall, Allegory of the Cave, Plato.

I am college educated with a Master’s in Computer Engineering yet for some reason I have been prevented from working.  The guy stuck in his Mom’s house that seems to have been left by the wayside by society.  For a Christian that should feel love of Christian brothers and sisters I don’t.  I realize I am imperfect yet when I have tried to make positive changes in my life I seem to only be met with more problems instead of a helping hand up.  Whether this is reality could be questioned and this is the way it feels.  I don’t wish to harbor any resentment to people as many have problems of their own.  I would like to see all people doing better in the world.  Part of me wants to turn cold because it seems no matter how hard I try it doesn’t seem to matter.

Tax laws and Intellectual Property laws seem to heavily favor the rich in 2020.  Seems like some of our companies have created passive aggressive experiences for the users of their products.  This might be just that we have reached the age of quantum computing nullifying encryption and have failed to properly head the warning of cyber security problems.  That said when doctor’s are dealing with so much fixing people should and probably does take precedence over making sure to lock their machines when they leave the room.  When people are hacking computers to this level it makes it more difficult for everyone including doctors, so please stop.  Like the movie The Circle, we all need to take a step back and look at the damage social media can do.  

Technology should be about empowering and making everyone’s lives better and we all have a responsibility to future generations to make that a reality.  While ID systems and digital currency can make everyone’s life more convenient it can be turned on a dime to be used for horrors under the power of tyrants.  Same goes for centralized medical records.  We might currently be past this point already.  Truth is with nuclear weapons and microscopic weapons that are in the hands of many today we must always keep a vigilant eye for misuse by Tyrants.  Some people will falsely label some as Tyrants as well, they will mislabel and misuse words and information for some good purposes and some evil purposes.  Please don’t use incorrect perceptions about me to prevent me from having a life or running a business.  Also never be afraid to speak up in the face of adversity.  

I realize some in the system might try and silence you, I wish this were not so.  We as a people should be brilliant enough to appreciate constructive criticism though in this day and age some will use their ability to detour and detract those trying to work towards a better tomorrow for all people.  Further those in charge of companies and organizations should not try and control and meddle with people’s lives in ways that hurt them.  Exterminating part of the population to save the environment is wrong and should be watched out for.  Trying to sterilize part of the population to control the population is wrong and should be watched out for.  We as people have better solutions to our problems than this.  Brilliance does not give anyone the right to treat other’s unfairly.  So if this is an idea someone comes up with, go back to the drawing board.  Life beats death, and it is imperative on all of us to make that reality.  Two options divide and fail or make more room at the table.  Make more room at the table.  That is what Jesus would do.

We owe it to the previous and future generations to make this world a great place for all to live in.  This means a way forward for everyone.  I understand there is a lot of anger and hurt out there.  I am sorry for my failures here.  I wish things to get better for everyone though alone it is a bit of a pipe dream.  My health and other’s health have had problems this year.  Health problems and financial problems make life more difficult and repair and reconciliation more difficult.  With God all things are possible though from where I am standing it doesn’t much feel like it.  So I write.  I know I am not a writer, I fancy myself as a bit of an artist though when I compare my work to others I don’t think I am close to their amazing works.  I wonder if other artists love art yet have this feeling of inadequacy in their work.  Hopefully I am adding some value somewhere, though right now I don’t feel like I can see it.

from a jack of multiple trades, and a master of none

Seems like some people want me to hate my brother.  Not going to happen.  The money used to being going after me like this could probably make a nice life for a lot of people.  If this is some attempt to bring mercy into my life it shouldn’t require all this, if it requires this than those in charge are tyrants and need to be stopped.  What do you think this kind of shit does combined with no direct support?  To be clear, I was put in a bunch of bs situations I didn’t know how to handle.  I might have looked like something I was not because I was scared, drugged, and terrorized.  I didn’t and don’t mean to take credit for something I was not, though to protect people I don’t mind them claiming to be on my team.  Why we shouldn’t judge based on appearances and I am not talking about beauty in this instance.  

Further when I was surrounded by terror and misinformation I started questioning everything about the people around me.  Easy to think the worst and when you keep getting robbed of support it strengthens incorrect views and lies.  Enough silence you start making your own version of reality.  For those that don’t believe that, I hope God doesn’t take you far enough to.

I should be able to watch a movie without being fucked over.

Systemic oppression leads to language convolution.  Language convolution allows for systemic oppression.

People that can’t speak freely find creative ways to say things and communicate information under the radar.  When people convolute meanings the wrong people can be blamed for actions and people trying to communicate information can use it to hurt others.  A bit of a catch 22.

Speak freely and people can get hurt.  Don’t speak up an people can get hurt.

If we don’t want our words misconstrued don’t create a systemic oppression.  People in jeopardy and people that just want to better themselves can both convolute meanings to help their cause.

Don’t lie. Don’t lie to the people trying to hurt you and your family?

Excessive surveillance can get people killed.  Some surveillance can save lives.  People terrorized by surveillance can take and use it against those putting surveillance on them.

Ideally we all speak freely and think better of each other.  In this environment it is difficult to say the least.  Some creative word play can inspire ideas, or get people to think green to help save the planet.  Other word play can make people’s lives a living hell.

Part of the problem is people believe the end justifies the means.  This can leave a wake of destruction on the pursuit of a better tomorrow.  There should be lines not to be crossed.  Though when others are crossing lines this can be exceedingly difficult.

Do we choose to fight today? How do we choose to fight today?  Is the battle worth losing the war?  Will getting even make anything better?  A dead man can’t fight the long battle, and some fights are worth dying for.  A gun to my head is easier to respond to than a slow systemic robbery that is crippling my life and my family.

The small passive aggressive attacks lead people to believe even the normal problems of life are part of a plot against them.  Convolution of what is a real attack and what is just life makes knowing when to fight and the level of force to use proportionally difficult.  Being attacked on multiple levels in different ways could lead some to take big swings just to stay above water.  They might lash out against the wrong people and might respond in the wrong ways without knowing the full story.  Knowing all this doesn’t make knowing when to fight easier.

I guess my belief is just to find appropriate ways to blow off steam.  When other people are being hurt stand up for them.  Also realize that everyone misses somethings.  Also realize that what is humorous to some is gasoline and a match to others.  Also realize without looking at things in a humorous way some people might want to burn everything down.  Laughter is medicine that can save a lot of lives.

It is not always easy to discern the line with humor.  The idea that the same levels should be used for all people in all situations is problematic.  Even the inflection of someone’s voice can rape someone with the wrong health problems.  That doesn’t mean everyone should have to speak monotone around everyone.

Treat other’s as they wish to be treated is hard.  It is also a bit idealistic.  If we are too afraid of stepping on each other’s toes we won’t talk.  When people don’t talk divide and control becomes much easier for an enemy.  When rage is left to fester it makes people less likely to want to talk.  Who wants to be yelled at?  When we just talk at surface level and never about the deeper issues, anger and injustice can be like a rolling snowball.  Speaking to each other on deeper levels opens people up to being hurt.  Nobody wants to be hurt so they put up a protective shield.  Some people don’t want to be communicated to because their anger has been left to fester.  Trying to talk with them is not how they wish to be treated.  Maybe at deeper issue they want the issues resolved and so actually speaking with them is the way to stop the anger from festering.  Health problems like mentioned above can make this line much more difficult to discern.  So people have different ways of trying to solve this problem.  Some will go silent thinking God will sort this out.  Other’s push to hard an alienate and increase the resentment by confirming that people don’t listen to them.  I have been punished in life for both.  So if staying silent doesn’t work at times, the middle ground doesn’t work at times, and pushing to hard doesn’t work at times.  It is easy to become disenfranchised with the whole process.  

I think what we all have to remember is doing the right thing doesn’t always make things better.  Life is more than the sum of our own actions.  The idea that this problem is centralized only to my life would be unlikely.  So if we realize that for some people doing what is right doesn’t work always, it should be easier to forgive them.  Not saying we shouldn’t try to do the right thing, just that when people fail us it should be pretty easy to understand why.  It is also a powerful tool of the Devil to make us think we are making the wrong choice when we are making the right ones.

The truth of my life is it would be easy for people to judge me for things they don’t understand.  They might have limited capacity and likely are missing the many things below the surface.  It is difficult to learn to not to be quick to judgement.  We are given limited information.  My desire to stand up for what is right and protect the innocent blinded me in younger years to say overly harsh things.  My knowledge in older years has given me more perspective albeit it might prevent me from acting as fast as required in some situations.  Way I see it, if people are in trouble get them out of it.  Have a great preference for methods that can be undone later as information and truth can evolve with time.  Nobody wants to finally see the clearer picture and realize someone didn’t need to die, someone didn’t need to be tortured, someone didn’t need to sit in jail all those years.

Not that I was ever part of the FBI or NSA etc but it probably is a bad idea to give surveillance unchecked to intel people early in life.  An ambitious young spirit, trying to prove their way, given limited information and false alarms could leave the wrong people in jail or worse.  Law enforcement has no less impact on lives than doctors.  At their best they can save many lives and keep us all from hurting each other.  Even the good ones miss the mark sometimes just like doctors.  So I would rather celebrate their contribution to society than hate them for what they miss.  

There is systematic problems we need to fix, and keeping the conversation open and honest is vital to their success as well.  Problem is with systemic oppression the conversation breaks down.  The idea that law enforcement or doctors are perfect and infallible is wrong, they aren’t gods.  That doesn’t mean they aren’t highly valuable and needed in society.  If one person’s brakes fail we don’t throw out all the mechanics.  

Knowing who to trust with what when and how much is a difficult task.  I suppose I should be a little more understanding though when my life is made hell on earth do they expect me to just go silently into the night?

Speaking these truths can be difficult and dangerous.  It would be unwise to think everyone can, would, or should.  I think the more people that say this the better and I also realize in a fallen world with leverage and the ability for anyone’s words to be taken out of context some that agree might refrain from speaking up.  I wish we lived in a world where everyone felt they could speak freely and everyone would use that ability to encourage and affirm each other toward the good for all.  I thought that living in the USA that is what we have.  Maybe some have had it for certain times in USA history, though our failure to guarantee and protect that for all people might have led us to lose it.

I think it was John Stuart that once said “we have free speech, not consequence free speech.”  Maybe it wasn’t him that said it.  The problem is this feels like leverage.  Maybe this is a more truthful way to look at how we treat free speech in the USA.  This has been the impression of experiences in my life from 2010 to 2020.

Maybe nobody ever reads this.  I hope it can possibly give insight to those who might want to know me in the future.  I love our country and wish we could find a way to make all our people’s lives around the world prosperous and filled with joy, wonder, hope and faith.  I feel like our country is missing the mark loving and caring for each other, and I don’t mean that in the wrong way.  Not to disregard or disrespect all the good that has been done in 2020 and my life has had many of the same experiences this year as I have had the last 10 years.

Seems like people want me to lose hope.  This I refuse.  I want people in my life.  I want to know who I can trust with what information.  I want to know people that aren’t constantly telling me only part of the truth.  It is one thing to only have a few people in your life on the level.  It is miserable to feel like everyone in your life won’t level with you.  

Probably how cops feel sometimes.  Nobody wants to tell them the truth because they are afraid they will throw them or someone they care about in jail.  For example in my own life I didn’t want cops around the pool because having someone with a gun seems to raise tensions.  Maybe if they had clubs I would feel a bit safer.  I don’t want anyone in jail and I want clean drinking water and safe bridges to drive over.  Making that reality is a bit more difficult in practice and that is the ideal that I aspire to.  Some might be too dangerous to be out of jail, though my guess is many times that is due to the failures in society around them.  Knowing that I would like to make our jails and prisons more comfortable for all.  We might not be able to repair the injustice of leaving innocent people in prison for years but we can at least make it about protecting the public and not making their lives a living hell.  Maybe as lie detectors get better we can allow people to fight their cases quicker.  Being left in jail without a trial sucks.  Being blamed for something you don’t know sucks too.

Further a person that can contribute to society is worth more out of jail than in jail.  It is imperative to us as a society to help protect people’s lives so they have the ability to do so.  There are many reason why people get into a mess, some which are more than the sum of their own choices.  We all make mistakes and we all need emotional support, health, a roof over our heads, food to eat, and transportation.  Take away any of those and your going to wind up with problems.  So curing that seems more wise than making people out to be mentally ill.  

You don’t want to see the guy on top of the skyscraper jump?  Don’t take way all their emotional support.  Want that guy to be more productive at work?  Get him decent healthcare.  Don’t want that guy roaming the streets? Give him a place to live and food to eat.  People can abuse this but the potential for abuse does not outweigh the value of support.

Water pipeline from Antarctica to help with water shortages in Africa

Organization to fund medical research and pay doctors and researchers real salaries.   Company created for solving public problems that is apart from trying to drive profit.

Develop a drug then release to the public at cost.  Transparency throughout pipeline.  Probably something like this already, but why don’t I know about it.  Underpaying staff might turn away talent.  Social reward outweighs high profits.  Music that relates vs music that only sells.

More companies that believe in protecting all people.

Possible electoral college with racial and gender groups as well.  Maybe elect one male and one female for each racial group with each state for electoral college.  This could give minorities more of a vote.  Probably been thought of before.

What excuses are there for minimizing my life?  We are in a world with potential for everything to be destroyed.  Yet we have avoided that.  How?  With the level of oppression, evils, and destabilized systems.  The voices on the screen lead one to believe that some of this is made up.  Doesn’t make sense, maybe we are past all that.  I don’t doubt technologies could exist that could destroy everything.  I don’t think the people that are in charge of that technology are treating people right.  This begs the question why anyone’s life is left in the have not.  Maybe popularity is the distinguishing factor.  Popular to like some people unpopular to like others.  Seems a bit absurd.

I care about people and try to protect people then I get this in life.  I try to be tolerant of others and caring and silence.  I am willing to sacrifice myself time and time again, and silence.  Who determined that leaving me this way was a value added proposition.  I want to make others lives better yet I seem to get the opposite.  This doesn’t really lend itself to trusting that a loving God actually gives two shits about me.

All to turn me into what?  It’s clear that my life is being planned.  Or maybe I was just binned to protect other’s opportunities.  Not for any other reason than those with more power control.  Wasting my time and waisting my life.

Let me be clear, I am not a racist.  I am sinful and through omission like any person I can fail people.  I have had racists thoughts before, I admit that sin and have asked God for forgiveness.  It is difficult to perfect being able to not have preconceived notions about any person on earth.  Skin is one difference in life, to say it doesn’t help speak to nationality, culture, or mindsets would be unwise.

A Russian accent and white skin might lend itself to someone being Russian and might not.  Makeup and accent elimination classes can change impressions.  I understand people get unfairly grouped by life’s struggles and I want them to have a safe route out of the shit storms they are in.  To say it isn’t a battle to think better of people that are different from you would be a lie.  Specially if someone from a group has hurt you in the past.  

Can you really blame an African American man or woman from distrusting a system that promoted slavery and now makes decisions that still leave part of their population impoverished?  If you were an orphan and saw others with great family lives and opportunities you could only dream of, what kind of thoughts would go through their head.  If you were passed up for positions based on your gender continuously, after seeing your mother’s and grandmother’s sidelined by the men in their life that were supposed to protect them, how would that make you feel?  If your family member was hurt by someone in a group that you will never be a part of, that seems to lend itself to misplacing anger towards a group.

Let me be clear, I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have said the wrong words, at the wrong time, in the wrong way.  I have to fight having preconceived notions about anyone.  I have systematically been hurt by many women in my life.  I should be wise enough to derive some knowledge about how I deal with women and relationships.  

It is difficult to disconnect the bad actions that are probably due to many understandable reasons, some obvious and some unknown from how I choose to interact with women in society.  I want women to be happy, healthy, and successful.  I don’t want to annoy with my presence and I don’t want anyone feeling left out in the cold.  I don’t want to hurt their relationships with other men by my friendship.  I would like to have a relationship and how to properly balance having a social presence that both respects her and the other people in my life is difficult.  One side of the spectrum ends with excessive drinking and other sins that destroy relationships.  On another side of the spectrum people feel suffocated and trapped feeling like just going out to a restaurant creates unacceptable opportunities for problems.

I would want the woman in my life to have other friends.  I wouldn’t want her to use them as a way for me to be continuously insulted and demoralized.  I wouldn’t want her to be disconnected from society if I died.  I wouldn’t want the woman in my life having inappropriate close friendships with other men or women.  All people have the chance to let you down or cause problems.  

Having someone that is willing to help others is amazing.  If she lets the wrong people in and I can’t trust her to get out at the right time that’s a problem.  I want a woman who knows the potential for her own weakness and mine.  A partner that doesn’t lead me to hubris.  I want to feel respected and confident, not prideful and arrogant.  I can’t say I have really met anyone on the same page with me on all that as of yet.  Someone strong enough to speak up to me if I am being a tyrant, someone loving enough to know we are all unsure at times.  

I wouldn’t want a woman that didn’t lie to me, I would want one that never felt like she needed to.  That is a big ask on myself and society as well to create that kind of environment.  From what I see now in society, not much can be trusted and I never know who is listening.

I guess in a woman after attraction I would be looking more for the way she thinks.  Maybe the belief that all these attributes are in one woman is hubris in itself.  Maybe I am asking too much of one person.  I believe people can be better with support.  We all still fall very short of ideal.  I say all this now after waking up choking and hacking.  Feeling a bit like a piece of glass these days.  So I might be saying this for someone else which is ok.

It is wrong to label anyone for life.  People change and we are all works in progress.