My Tech Blog

I experienced a pretty scary ride in Georgia back in 2016.

Think Neurolinguistic Programming, Think Lexing word play

The names of the streets

for those that have watched Futurama think Nixon Death Trap

After I was in the city I felt trapped by the giant trees all around me

The sky made me feel like I was under water

I lived through it but I felt like I was on a path that I could not control

Like if I had a robotic car driving me to a terrifying place

The intent of all this might be to scare into submission

It made me more worried I would end up on someone’s dinner plate

Thinking Revelation from The Bible scared me more, it made me think of what the future end game would look like

I might have been drugged on the way

There was a skyscraper which looked like a Wizard on top

It made me think of a bunch of very wealthy people

Continuously building bigger buildings right next to each other

Your’s the biggest now mine is the biggest

All directing to what seemed like the name of a woman I lost

I have sent some warnings out to people though I think I might be trapped so my information is not getting out.  This was pretty scary and people with children in the car I fear for them.

Maybe it is all gone by now, maybe not.  I like Georgia but this was very scary for me.  I felt like I had taken a trip back to the past.  I learned some ideas and perspectives about some of the people in my life as well.  I thought there might have been a neutron bomb armed inside my car, and trying to get it out of the city was a nightmare.  This was back in 2016, I had no radiation detector at the time.  The drug or maybe the health problems made it feel like my skin was tingling.  I went into a hospital that was empty as well which furthered my fears.

I write this to let people know my experience since many in the world are visiting there now.  I saw this in the day time.  I mention Vegas because if this happened there at night with all the lights like Fear and Loathing it would be much scarier.

I write this not knowing what is going on there.  I do not mean to create a panic.  I just don’t want people to be in a scary situation.

This was before I went to Jail in 2017.  The phones on the walls didn’t have cords and everyone was kneeling in front of them.  I thought they had all had chips placed in their heads.  The officers were walking around completely ignoring me as if robotically controlled.  They were soon pushing me towards the phone and I fought back.  Next thing I was naked in a room in solitary confinement.  Please be careful and don’t be tricked, though maybe next time they will be putting chips in people.  This is scary stuff.  The Jail Lew Sterric in Dallas, TX

Atlanta was especially scary for a guy from Texas because the highways are similar in numbers and layout to Dallas

I spent 2020 with what feels like a robotic chip inside my dick. Possibly a combination of nicotine gum and depakote. Maybe the idea is de pee a kyote. The kyote being me. I do not like this idea. Possible combinations, might not be how the chip got there.

Don’t leave Vetarans to waste away in their mother’s or father’s basements.

I am not a veteran. When I was drugged and oppressed I made it look to be part of groups I was not. I am sorry for that. Never went out with that intention. Veterans are welcome to be my friends, and I understand if given that they choose not to. Pretending to try and get people out of shit is non optimal, if someone else’s life was on the line I would. Not sure that’s the right choice, I prefer to be honest, though under power and oppression that seems to give way to protecting people. No conversation and no support leads to someone not always choosing the optimal solution. Sometimes the simple I am sorry works best, I felt given the level of what I have dealt with requires a bit of context. I wouldn’t believe it if it hadn’t happen to me and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Also would be wise to have society protect those who choose not to go into the military because society still needs to function normally so it is not shit when you guys get back from a tour. Good PR sometimes helps save the day.

Don’t leave me or anyone else to waste away in their mother’s or father’s basement.

If the ones doing this are oppressed or drugged by some other force, I understand.

A group, a government, etc is far more powerful than an individual

This one seems pretty obvious.

J a kai and J a death penalty == stopping one big societal H, we all want to go B2B? I believe I was setup for this. Not sure by who, highly annoying but forgivable. 15 years of a man’s life is a steep price to pay, though if it stops this shit likely worth it. Just hope the side effects were accounted for.

But he missed a pitch, burn him.  Not on your life. I missed plenty too, you want to step up to his plate?  Watch out for fast balls, that’s advice it will cost ya.

I am tired of smelling like shit to clean up societies mess.  Anyone else?

If we forgive them they could retaliate on us.  This is true.  If we don’t God won’t forgive us.  Not being forgiven is a huge temptation.  If nobody will give you the time of day imagine what that could do to your life?  God said woe be to the tempter.  Easy to call someone not a Christian once they are set down the wrong path. Nobody’s life should be summed up by the actions of one moment in time.

Not sure if anyone out there is reading any of this.  If they are I lack support.  I have used this blog as a bit of a vent for me personally when originally designed it to be a way to share some of the programming knowledge I have.  If there is some content on here that is too adult for some audiences please forgive me.  I was left with a lot of why’s in life, and this highlights my frustration and thought processes.  

A lot of this stuff has been probably thought of before, maybe just some were not willing or able to speak it to me directly.  Ignorance is bliss might apply to some situations, but when you find out things too late in life to do anything about it, it feels like a kick in the teeth.  Still some answers beat none at all.  Life is fast paced and full of obstacles and not everyone has time to slow down to tell people what’s up.  This can be really difficult for children and young adults.  

I too am just trying to put the puzzle pieces together at times so if these thoughts don’t correlate to your life experiences or you have other sets of thoughts please feel free to let me know.  Please use words  and speak to me directly though because silence and painting without words can leave a lot open to interpretation.  I generally like looking at a painting, listening to a song, or watching a movie with out commentary first as most people will perceive it that way.  It is nice to have commentary though on what the author was thinking.  People’s lives can be looked at like a painting but think of words and support as part of the paint.  Without them your left with an unfinished masterpiece.

I realize at some times people aren’t at liberty to speak to me directly, just please don’t use that as an excuse if not actually necessary.  Further if you speak to me directly please try to use a light touch when possible.  Also try not to leverage those in charge, because if they feel someone is scamming them, they might drown out the real cries for help.

People without answers sometimes go in search of them.  Finding those answers could jeopardize others.  Sometimes it could jeopardize lives and sometimes it could jeopardize pocket books.  This is something not so obvious with leverage.  Some people know things that can get others in unrelated incidents in trouble or dead.  

Under the gun people might say anything and everything.  Truth or lies, half truths, or implicate people from way earlier in life that long since evolved past the mistake they made at this time.  Further a room could be bugged by local, national, or international forces.  Just because it didn’t matter to the search that person is on doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to others in the world.

The unknown and being left without answers can have serious and long lasting implications.  Finding answers can have the same problems.  Being left with a box and told not to open it nothing good can come from that doesn’t really make people want to open the box less.  Some people might have had your best interests in mind when they tell you not to open the box.  Other’s might not.  

Some will use the excuse of once you have opened a box not to help you.  They’re in too deep now, nothing I can do.  Like seeing a friend in the middle of a volcano.  The lava is rising, no helicopter, no rope, no ladder.  Nobody wants to see their friend hurt, easy to want to look away.

Sometimes when people think someone knows something they might beat them like a piñata until they spill what’s inside.  This is not a controlled environment.  The problem with that?  You are leaving a lot of variables to chance.  They might just as quickly run off the road, have a heart attack, contact the wrong people for protection, or blame the wrong people.  “But what if they had information I needed that not knowing could get me or my family in trouble”.  That is a possibility.  One of many.  

People in the middle of already stressful situations might be more apt to try and extract information without caring about the consequences.  If life is good, do I really need to know?  Or my life has been a shit storm since they have been around.  What is going on?  There might be many people that have a stake in an answer.  Some want the truth to come out and some don’t.  Some view your suffering or implications in life of the unknown as inconsequential.  

People without answers are more prone to think so but that is not always the case.  Is easy to minimize being left without answers until your the one left in the dark.  Left to a bottle to drink themselves into a coma.  Some people will manufacture answers in their lives for the unknown.  They will blame systems, or people, human nature, anything to give them reasons why.  When people are searching for answers or opening the box they don’t understand the implications or the side effects of their actions.  

An unknown cost is hard to plan for in the budget of life.  Some that want to protect their pocket book might think you the cost is high or lives are at stake when they are not.  Some of those people could have been mistreated by society and forced to beg and suffer so they are so jaded to trying to protect themselves they don’t understand the impacts they have on the lives around them.

Being in the group has consequences and being out of the group has consequences.  Having information has consequences and not having information has consequences.  If you knew getting an answer could help one friend and hurt another what would you do.  Maybe you don’t know which friends and how much or how little it could effect their lives.  

People with a good life might not want to risk rolling the dice.  If you have only got snake eyes for years, you might be more likely to roll the dice and find out what is inside the box.  A good reason to look out for everyone early on in the picture.  When people are happy and healthy they are less likely to want open the box.  Just because they didn’t open the box doesn’t mean someone else will.  Some think if we only removed that outlier the boat wouldn’t rock.  

People prefer to believe the system is stable and their lives will keep going in the same direction.  They resist change because life is good or stable enough for them, they can be oblivious to the sufferings of people around them.  They can know there is a problem and not be able to fix it.  They might view the cost is just too high.  This can create instability long term in the system.  People that are mistreated can join forces, so governments or corporations can try and micromanage their lives to insure their own stability.  A little money from corporations to the disaffected would be far preferable to a ground game of systemic corruption.  Sadly some could play this up for the sake of a scam, or the amount of people could instantly go to a number that could bankrupt a company and it can seem like the world is against your family having jobs.  

Recall notices and public safety trump corporate decisions, though it would be nice if the community worked together to leave them afloat so they can actually pay the settlements and not take away everyone’s jobs.  Doing this though might be unfair to the rest of the public, their company got money and my company and workers were struggling?  I should maintain a 150000 salary for a CEO when I was left to suffer on the street?  Maybe the guy left on the street is in charge now, why best to protect and look out for people and to push for a more forgiving and merciful world.  Some might thinking throwing more shit on the guy or making him out to be a monster might save a company from failing.  If the guy calling us out looks bad we look better.  Not very wise.

Private jets and expensive corporate parties can help hotels and people build jets.  They can help CEOs quickly get to meetings that could mean saving the jobs for many around them.  If your the guy on the street knowing people are living it up around you, it hurts.  Doesn’t mean people are wrong for wanting nice things or to have a good time.  It is not unreasonable though for the people on the street to want their life out of the gutter.  Add in systemic oppression and this can be very jading.  Against God, against corporations, against the government.  

Filtering out the scams from the true problem is hard when protecting your self and your family, it has to be much more difficult with a company that has thousands of people.  Don’t prevent enough scams and the corporation goes under and all the people lose their jobs.  Some CEOs might put quotas on how much money they will dole out.  Doesn’t make much difference what the CEO is thinking when their choices left your family hurting.  CEOs might not always know the defense that their company is running both good and bad.  Nice to think everyone is looking out for each other though not always the case.  “Quiet, if you try to scam the company I will let them know about your past.”  “But they actually hurt me. “ Wouldn’t want my company fighting dirty – though not being a CEO it might be hard to know how bad the scams get.  Easy to point fingers when your not trying to protect thousands of people’s jobs.

Can you truly love the person your firing?  If you can how jading is that.  If you know a CEO cares about you that much and still fires you.  How jading is that?  Probably how people getting divorced feel who still care deeply about each other.  Almost better to be crass, unapologetic, and mean so they at least have someone to blame.  I understand the reasoning.  Maybe the jade is just a bit too burdensome to carry.  Harvey firing Donna, or Donna quitting on Harvey – USA series Suits

It is easy to blame someone for opening the box. “You just couldn’t leave it alone, you just couldn’t let us all live life happily ever after”. Easier to say when your not the one left in the dark. No happily ever was ever guarantied and always wise to remember just because they opened the box doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t have in the near future. Forgiveness and reconciliation early and often.

When people are hurt or let down they might give silence to people.  It is not always a conscious choice.  They are hurt and they walk away.  Problem is after some things happen sometimes a lot of people can leave that person in silence.  There was no consorted plan on the part of people yet the combination of people turning away in someone’s life can have a dramatic impact.  People are busy and trying to achieve their goals yet without close support the person left in silence can feel more hurt and isolated.  People can use this to suppress support for a person already hurting which can be difficult.  This can turn them away from God.

I am pro life.  That includes the lives of the people that disagree with me on this.  The idea that we all couldn’t do more to prevent the situations that lead to abortions would be a lie.  This is a tough topic.  I want to protect babies after conception.  I can understand in a world that doesn’t take care of babies after they leave the womb, some women might think it better to not give the baby a chance at life.  Some people might confuse the science and tell them it is just a couple cells like a bacteria, no big deal.  Parents of the father or mother might pressure a woman to make a choice she might otherwise not make.  Further there are cases where a pregnancy might not be viable.  I believe in these cases the life of the mother should be protected.  Some might use this as an excuse to terminate a viable pregnancy.

Complexity leaves room open for confusion and convolution.  I understand how some might not want to get involved with the complexity of calling when a person is a person.  I strongly believe that after conception the human path has begun.  I don’t believe altering that path is my choice unless there are life threatening reasons to do so.  This is a hard stance to take in this country today.  

If a woman in my life had an abortion, and she thought it a mistake I wouldn’t want her to beat herself up over it.  There are many complexities in the day and age we are living that might tempt someone to terminate early.  That said if someone continuously had abortions of viable pregnancies that would hurt me.  People could easily be scaled to this with silence and without support.  Loving people correctly that are acting in a way contrary to what I believe God would want is hard.  

Christians don’t agree on everything, though this is something I have a strong belief about.  Just like I have a strong belief about forgiveness.  Once someone has made a choice like this I could understand it might be hard to admit where they were wrong, they might continue to feel as though they did not.  I am not the end all judge on this.  This is my opinion and I support legislation to protect babies after conception.  This should also include legislation to support the babies that are in more difficult environments.  

Simply, I think after conception though shall not kill.  Doesn’t mean I think people that have made mistakes are not Christians.  I also don’t always agree on what a mistake is.  Perhaps I have not heard the right words from the right person yet.  Sometimes I make choices that are non optimal because in certain situations it can be hard to see clearly.  Under oppression just deal with it becomes much tougher.  I tend to believe that some sins are greater than others though when God looks at everything I am not sure He will see it that way.  What is the power of one lie? Stealing a loaf of bread equivalent to murder?

Incest and rape are monstrous.  If I were a woman I can’t say I would want to be forced to carry a child to term.  One sin doesn’t justify another.  Executing an inmate isn’t justified by the crimes he committed.

Talking about this kind of stuff is heartbreaking.  So I can see why people might stray from this topic.  Hopefully if nothing else this can show people where I stand on the issue.  I joined a group a while back on Facebook called Abortion is Murder.  This is a strong stance that can probably upset some people.  All terminations of pregnancies being joined to the word abortion makes the naming of that group possibly a bit unwise.  Might have been harder to say I agree that termination of a viable pregnancy is killing a person.  Names and words are powerful.  Short names are easy to remember but can leave a lot unsaid.  Hopefully this clarifies things a bit.  People arguing this point might use words more suited to their opinion.

Sex before marriage can help create some of these complexities.  Not something you always hear before a frat party or meeting a woman at a bar 3 drinks in.  But it worked out on Friends, not always how it plays out in real life.  Sex sells in Hollywood and not everyone can discern between what makes a good movie and what makes a good life.

Last leaving anyone in silence can create as many problems as it solves. Not how I wish to be treated and sometimes I never seemed to have the right words. Maybe some were just too jaded by the time I got there. Not always easy to find the right person to talk to the one hurting.

People are at different places in life.  One person makes one mistake and another person makes a different one.  Both mistakes matter, both have implications.  Some mistakes people decide have to be fixed before moving forward.  While I agree in some instances, I don’t agree with this is the case in all instances.

A tire has to be fixed before getting on the road.  Driving on the axle won’t work.  People wrong each other in different ways.  They don’t understand each other at the time and easily judge the other without understanding more of what is going on.  I am not immune to this reality.  I might have had the wrong words at the time I spoke to someone.  When we prevent people from moving forward sometimes we never arrive at the words we should have said.  The right person in our lives can make all the difference and same for the wrong person.

People that don’t forgive and always react a certain way are robotic.  This can be misused by people that understand this which can be very dangerous.  Add drugs like alcohol, some prescription meds, and some over the counter meds.  Add media from movies and music this can further complicate things.  People like pushing each other’s buttons at times to get a rise out of them.  Fighting this nature is difficult.  

To further complicate matters the people producing the medications, movies, and music might not realize how their pieces are perceived in composition.  I took drug A and watched movie B, and add in lost job effects C.  A+B+C = ?  Some might know this and some might not.  For judges or jurors to judge effectively they should know this, though it is likely some of these combinations are so dangerous they are hidden from public view.  Some of this can drastically change the way people act.  Some very successful people probably know some of the combinations in their fields and even if they know the down sides they aren’t always easily able to say.

Testosterone makes you feel great when your on it.  When it leaves your system it can lead to anger.  People say Testosterone doesn’t make you mad it is the lack of Testosterone.  While this is literally true, the reality is taking it creates an up swing and a down swing and when I was on it this can make me prone to anger.  Doesn’t effect everyone the same, though some might think it would be taken away if they told the truth.  I had a prescription.  If my life was going fine and I didn’t have any problems it would have been better.  

Sadly life doesn’t wait for people with health problems.  No different for a person with diabetes.  You never know what people are taking for their health problems so overloading anyone isn’t wise.  Bring in corporate games and stressful situations like combating corruption it could have devastating consequences.  Men lose Testosterone as they get older, so this isn’t a knock on the medication, just want people to understand.  An older man might have more trouble with anger due to all this.

Compound in people wanting to use your life to tell a story, it can be overwhelming.  Death by 1000 cuts is not a good way to live, why we need to look out for and protect each other.  Given all that, the no forward until fix really can be detrimental.  Magnify the good and steer away from the bad.  Also better to do this with words because giving people extra life experiences might be more than they can handle at the time.  If you knew what I knew you wouldn’t add that on top of their life right now.  Don’t use this as an execute to say someone can’t handle something.  

Stagnating people and not telling them why is no way for anyone to be treated.  This requires people to not take things out of context, and to handle it responsibly.  Some people abuse the truth so maybe that is why I was kept in the dark.  Doesn’t really make me happy that I got grouped in with the untrustworthy.  Further pride and protecting image can be valued over telling someone something that could save years of pain and heartache.

The truth hurts sometimes.  Telling someone they aren’t at the level you need is difficult.  It is insulting.  It is still better to hear the truth.  Sadly telling people the truth to people that don’t have access to the resources they need to be competitive is heart breaking.  Why we need to work together with each other to help achieve dreams in a safe and effective way.  If we limit an artist because we think they might paint the wrong picture, they might find funding from the wrong people.  Better to empower them and inspire them to understand how powerful a painting is and what value it can add or subtract from a situation.  Some of the slight grey areas are slippery slopes and people don’t always understand the end game.  

If an FBI agent read about 20 people dieing from something they would likely be jaded to think it is horrible.  They don’t always pass the information along to everyone else, possibly because it is so burdensome.  That kind of stuff could probably be really depressing to see day in and day out.  Be careful what you ask for.  At the same time do you just want to hear don’t do that without a why?  Marijuana is bad. Why? Its bad. Why? An example of where a government limiting knowledge might make people more apt to try something.  Governments lie about other things, why should I just trust them with that?  

Maybe some people have had closer friendships in the FBI so they might have been given the knowledge they need to steer clear of some problems.  Not really fair for part of society to get the info and not the rest.  Not fair that some people get viewed as less desirable to have around so they miss out on the info they need to lead a better life.  But they are a liability.  Not looking out for someone and not talking to someone might be more of a liability.  When lives are on the line though I understand why they would want to be careful.  Not everyone knows what they are mixed up in and this is a sad reality.

In an ideal world people look out for each other, support and protect each other.  An example of not being supported is saying “That woman will be a tyrant don’t let her in charge (she broke up with me and I am still mad)”.  Instead tell her the qualities she needs to change to be a better leader and look deep inside to make sure the reasons aren’t hidden resentment.  This is one of the unseen problems of having relationships at work.  Sometimes it is not about the short term it is about the long term.  When people want promotions later it can cloud the decision making process.  This seems obvious, though I really haven’t picked up on it until today.

Given that some people can be mixed up in things hidden from view, it is wise to be merciful and allow them to move forward when possible.  If they wronged you it might take the right support in their life to help them make amends.  

If we don’t give them a chance who will?  But they are a liability.  I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, why not give them a chance?  Because it will increase your likelyhood of being hit by that bus.  Can’t eliminate all risk in life, if we have the right support to take proper precautions give them a chance.  If not “we went another route” (situation is too risky).  But why?  3 years later, but why?  5 years later but why?  Long term effect not great for people not strong enough to handle the unknown.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t had a relationship. Labeled, better luck next life.  Maybe 10 years from now things will be better.

The saddest thing of all this is saying this kind of stuff will be used by some to make me sound crazy.  If the system is leaving you under the bus, change it for the better.  But we don’t want him in the system, so taxation without representation.  Not a call to revolution, just pointing out it’s not fair.  It is oppression in our country.  Not always easy to realize until we are the ones left under that bus.  Hearing this kind of stuff directly would have helped me understand, so I am writing it down.

Last some will make you think you made a mistake you didn’t.  That unknown is a powerful tool for leverage.  But if he knew that we couldn’t use him.

Once we say X can’t be forgiven they will say Y can’t be forgiven.  Christ said without sin first stone.  Why should a tyrant think he could be saved if we can’t forgive a drunk fraternity guy that got encouraged by his peers and a broken system? One saved tyrant could save many many lives.

Some situations are shit, they happened and there is no turning back the clock.  No reason to take or ruin a person’s life.

If we give something nice to one person do we have to give something nice to all people?  If people complain they didn’t get one, people might stop giving all together.  If we help some then they will help others.  That’s the idea, but trickle down seems pretty broken.  Helping people seems to bring persecution.  They see that guy giving to the community they might expect us all to.

The one of a kind. I would rather someone else have a beautiful flower than to split it in two.

God should be the answer to all this.  A great loving divine creator taking into account everything and everyone and still looking out for our best interests.  It feels like God leaves prayers unanswered though and the unknown seems like it can be used to string people along.

I still think I would prefer to give than not give.  A chance at a better life for some is better than leaving everyone in the dirt.  I wish God would make life better for everyone.  Trying to strive and achieve goals and dreams shouldn’t come at the cost of others feelings being hurt, but that doesn’t seem to be the reality.  People see other’s with nice things then they look at what they have and want more.  Would that be enough for you?

I don’t expect to win the Super Bowl.  I haven’t trained for it and I am not a football player.  When the few things I do try to do in my life seem to be such great obstacles it is frustrating.  Life is hard, people want progress without sacrificing anything and that is difficult.  A lot of guys get left on the sidelines striving to be pros.  Just like women and models.  God says He loves us all yet it seems like He gives more talents to some than others.  A bad set of health problems can bench anyone.  We talk about the excessive cost of healthcare yet we don’t seem to talk about all the lost dreams.  There is a real cost associated with all that and I am tired of it.

Life seems like it will always be unfair.  Jealousy comes with the territory of being successful.  Yet without star players how will we cure cancer, or fix the environment?  Maybe someone in the Church has a better answer to this.  Humility mitigates all this, it doesn’t seem to cure human nature completely.  Be thankful for what you got.  Easier to say when your not lonely, when you have freedom, when you don’t have many health problems.  Being thankful does help me feel better though, just wish it was easier to believe for myself and others.

Success can bring resentment.  Power can be hard to talk to.  Successful powerful people probably spend more time in silence than they would like.  For those that have been in solitary confinement like me, silence can play tricks on the mind.  Power and outcasts probably have a lot more in common than they think.  To say this all couldn’t jade some would be an understatement.  Maybe I have the right words to say to some and hopefully they can forgive my own jadedness.  I don’t have all the answers and that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try with what I got.  I do need a clean bill of health.  The right support makes all the difference in the world.  “Where you end up usually depends on where you start”

I am having some pretty amazing dreams these days when I am sleep.  They feel like parts of a puzzle piece.  My health problems and tiredness seem to make it somewhat difficult to remember the full dreams.

Earlier I was in a city.  Seemed like a costal city but a bit run down.  I think I was in an arcade though it was an older one.  There was another part of the dream that said a woman was in trouble and had been sent somewhere else.  Remind me kind of like New Jersey and kind of like Vietnam.  Possibly a city in California.  

I went to a vending machine and the guys that were there one Colored and one Caucasian said they were out of Dr. Pepper.  I went in there and found one that had a Dr. Pepper in it but only had a 2 liter.  2 liters are a bit too much to carry around easily.  Reminds me of the idea of having 2 women.  It likely raises a lot of attention and can make it more difficult to travel around.  Not a swing at men with multiple wives, just a reminder that attention isn’t always a good thing to draw on yourself.  Maybe the idea is reminding of a doctor that wants double proportions being the price to get them to some places to help.  The people there want another Doctor but they are priced too high for what they can afford.  I have cared about more than one woman, not really how I planned things to work out.  That said my price isn’t 2 or even 1.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to have love and emotional support in my life.

Another dream tonight. This one was shorter.  I was in a high school cafeteria.  I felt young again, a bit odd to say at my age, but there was that feeling of the weight lifted off me that age and experience bring.  It was like going back in time.  The faces I did not recognize.  I was at a table talking with some guys I think they were repairing something, though I am not sure what.  The faces were younger men.  Not sure if high school or in college.  

A young beautiful woman came to talk to me, her hair was light brown and she had dyed parts of it pink.  In the dream I felt as if I knew her and that we had talked moments before.  She seemed both familiar and unfamiliar.  This time she came to talk to me and she was speaking with a lot of attitude and while she didn’t seem upset she seemed out of character.  A bit funny to say she was out of character talking about someone you briefly met in the middle of a dream.  Next I was shaking one of the man’s hands that was doing the repair saying I guess I should go talk to her.  I went to catch up with her and the dream ended.  

There was also pieces of visions from my high school football field and visions from the band hall at SMU.  They might have been similar places at different schools.  Though the sequence of those events was hard to discern.

I don’t know what to make of all these dreams.  I really haven’t had them until this past year.

Someone that works people excessively hard, makes them show up 30 minutes early to be able to start work on time, calls them out for how much time they spend in the bathroom, reduces the size of toilet paper into 1/2 of what it was would be likely view as a tyrant or a nazi.  On the other hand a boss that lets people show up to work whenever they want, drink alcohol in the office, doesn’t go over safety instructions could sink a company because of people getting hurt or not being able to compete with the competition in the marketplace.

So if the easy going bosses go too easy on people the nazi bosses could win out.  People need personal time and a work life balance.  Either extreme likely burns people out and might make it harder to find good employees and people to work with.  Would it be better to arrive 5 minutes late for work than end up in an accident? Yes.  If someone shows up late for work everyday is it a bad example?  Yes.  Should a man or woman be able to go home and live their life without interruption when they are off the clock, ideally yes.  There are emergencies and those should be the exception and not the rule.  Prolonged periods of exceptions can burn people out.  Losing star players because they are burned out is costly.  A lot of training goes into building an employee and people make connections with them.  Continuous turn over is bad for morale.

If a couple people spend too much time at work, others might feel like they have to as well.  Now the competition has to do the same just to compete.  An entire industry burns out because we can’t all find a work life balance.  The USA is competitive, the world is competitive, and everyone is trying to get their piece of the pie.  People with families have less time to spend after hours working hard.  Single people with nothing else going on in their life sometimes throw their life completely into their work.  If you didn’t have anyone to talk to might as well make a little money with free time.  This further isolates an already isolated person.  It alienates those from people with families or active social lives outside of work.  People with families might see that the single person is taking food off of their plate and cutting in line.

This is tough.  If the people with families talked to the guy they could probably see what is missing from their life.  Some people might not think they are missing anything and might want to be sharks, because they don’t truly understand the end game in that.  I wanted relationships and friends.  I got jaded earlier in life, and compounding problems reinforced negative stereotypes that people weren’t really my friends.  Individual people fail each other in different ways.  Some we see and some we don’t.  People can harbor resentment for years and if we miss the signs we can lose a chance at reconciliation and a better life for us all.  I was a harder worker before I had health problems.  We don’t always understand until it has happened to us.

Being jaded I alternated by trying to go to bars to maximize my probabilities of meeting new friends and women and throwing myself into my work to excel and achieve more so that women might find me a more attractive mate.  I seemed to hit brick walls on both sides of this equation.  I tried dating sites and even Church and it seemed as though some unknown force was always stopping me.  

This pushed me towards work and I started looking to get into leadership roles.  When I was working for a restaurant chain I was the IT guy at the top, and didn’t have a lot of leadership in my field.  I had great people to work with and learned a lot from them yet having no leadership in my field made me improvise.  I worked hard but there are some problems in business that aren’t easy to understand earlier on in life.  I tended to think that everyone had my best interest at heart and my way was the better way.  We don’t easily understand the issues with company mergers and down turns in the economy and how tough it can get when everyone is competing to get ahead or put food on their families table.  Some people’s wives will leave them when the going gets tough, who wants that to happen and at the same time who doesn’t want to stay off the streets.  

I would say leadership early in life is difficult because many times wisdom comes with age and experience.  To compound it other’s might feel cheated furthering the divide.  When someone half your age is in charge it might seem like your life experiences didn’t matter.  Finding the middle ground in all this is difficult.  Stagnate at the bottom or fight to get to the top.  Both have real and significant impacts on my life and the lives of others.  Some seen and some unseen.  Individual actions and collective actions can determine history.  The individual might think it is just one job they will find another.  The collective might leave them out in the cold for numerous reasons.  They annoyed me, they acted in a way I didn’t like, they just weren’t popular.  

Even knowing these things there is a ton of unknown variables in how things play out which doesn’t make decisions particularly easier.  If you have to eliminate a project or part of a company to help the overall company succeed, is it better to know the chain reaction that will occur in everyone’s lives as a result?  Sometimes the big injustices can be highlighted and the squeakiest wheel gets the grease.  As time progresses those that stayed silent let the injustice fester inside.  As time progresses people that might be in a better position to help don’t always know someone is still in pain or hurting.  If I only knew, we had this great new project and you would have been a good fit.  Two people working with the hands they were dealt, a bit oblivious to the other’s needs because they went silent or harbored resentment. Or possibly because the rest of us just were to lazy or stubborn to help them make a connection.

Pride, silence, and unforgiveness leads to a lot of problems for us all.  So we owe it to each other to try and make it right for those around us.  Sometimes the right words from the right person can make all the difference in the world.  Sometimes it takes resources and new opportunities, distance, or different perspectives.  So that person in the office that you might not think picks up on everything might be your saving grace. A lot of times it takes meeting people where they are in life, and as all of our life stories are different this could require the right words from the right person.  

Some people think they know or understand and don’t, some mean well but say things in the wrong way or at the wrong time, some will stop from trying because of this kind of stuff.  Some just don’t have your best interest at heart, and that reality can prevent the person from hearing the voice of reason in the room.  Given all that it might be easy to give up on someone.  The lost.  A few out there by hell or high water refuse that notion, that’s the team I want to be on.

I realize I am not a CEO.  Searching for leadership on being a leader has found me silence.  One could argue it is a valuable teaching tool.  I would have rather been told hey you should read this.  Maybe I missed that one, never been the best reader so people like me you might have to bug more than once.  With some women in life I have tried different ways in talking to them and continuously failed.  Maybe there are thousands of ways and I only knew the few, maybe there were things outside of my control going on in their lives or mine.  

Trying too hard makes you look like a stalker or crowding a person.  Nobody likes not feeling free to make their own decisions in life.  If your keep a flower in doors it can’t easily grow.  Having the result of the actions I tried cause so many problems made me want to give up, and balance more to the lighter touch side.  I might have over compensated and lead people to feel abandoned.  So if I am trying too hard or too little I am sorry, trying to find the right balance has been difficult because I seem to constantly be in the middle of a storm.  

Even if my ideals are solid, in practice and reality everything doesn’t always work out as planned.  So if we don’t leave room for forgiveness and reconciliation we will lose time and problems can fester.  The injustices snowball until they are problem for us all.  Why we should all work together to fight a world that won’t reconcile with each other.  So hopefully my position is clear my door is open for reconciliation and time is short.  If I am not around to reconcile with, don’t beat yourself up over it, just please reconcile with those you can “because life’s too short to spend thinking what I could have, should have did” – Lyrics Born