I have been sick at various times in my life. I have felt like I have been close to death and died on more occasions than I would like.
Being sick is scary. It is easy to fall into a habit of quicker to judgment based on limited resolution when it seems like everything is both getting harder and worse. I don’t like being quicker to judgment, I like, care about, see value in the phrase don’t judge from the Bible. I know full implications of the term don’t judge, full context of why it was said and what it meant? No. Judging others harshly is done wrong many times, without full context, without full resolution thus judging harshly is very limited value.
Judging at all has the potential to lead to judging harshly. Judgment is a path of thought. I could consider why things are the way they are, or I can try alternate paths to make them better. Alternate paths are not always easier, are not always lighter thus there is potential for being rebounded pressured back into judgment, feeling judgment is sound. Yet time and time again life likes to throw curveballs, likes to show you saw this but you didn’t see that, and that matters tremendously.
I have two cats right now (not Women, I don’t like dehumanization – I have joked about things in the past that I possibly didn’t comprehend full value subtracted, people dress up like cats or monsters at halloween probably not always fully pondered that people take things too seriously or not seriously enough at times). I like cats, they are not human, yet if I am dying losing humans I care about might be too hard to bare. Thus having cats right not is comforting, a blessing not all likely have.
If I die, I have done a lot of damage to myself. I have used alcohol and nicotine over the years. There are likely a large amount of microtoxins in the environment as well, people try to do their best but people solve problems like wasps and mesquitos with poison, poison that is not cleaned up ideally. Fix one problem and create another is not all Global Warming out. I have tried to invest in better technology like solar and wind, yet I could have tried harder, and that is a bit of borrowing against the future. I apologize for that.
I have thought I was going to die many times, and have not died. Therefore my day might not yet be here. Living in pain is hard, living without healthcare under oppression that I don’t fully comprehend is hard. I have far from sufficient resolution right now. God seems to continue allowing more tests and highly reduced support to be the norm for my life. I don’t like it. I wish that was not how God was amping my life.
Hard gets turned up at times as useful to send a message. That is not all value in, that is not all right in. People might have motivation to show why their way is the right way, the only way, the correct way to change hearts and thus refuse to ever change paths and turn back. A lot of pain down that road is a possible system that gets turned up and is hard to turn down at times.
Society has potential to try to get you to think of pain as a value system at times. Hazing, hard work outs, climbing high peaks without oxygen, taking on risks like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. Society turns it up then punishes the people involved. Society makes you depedent on fast cars and good looks, lets it be the norm in businesses yet punishes people that invest. The idea you can win in this World seems to amp less than sufficiently.
People are not perfect and investment in one direction is usually not an ideal investment in other directions. Blindspots not always covered. Study field A, field B can be used against you, Study field B, field A can be used agaisnt you. Life is limited time and people that are older and wiser have more comprehension and incentive motivation to not trust younger generations that do not always treat them with dignity and respect.
The same young generation today will be riddled with potential health problems unless better investment in healthcare, healthcare that actually does right by people is actually invested in. Time amps and people being trustworthy, feeling like they have gotten a good deal out of life factors into the encouragement and motivation they have later in life to give support to the younger generation.
Less pain seems like a blessing. I don’t particularly want to die. But if God refuses to allow me to heal and be fixed, death is not all blessing out. This body, this body my soul lives in is not ideal. This whole life has given the feeling of potentially in a virtual world at times. Feeling like God exists at times, can sometimes can be counted on, and goes silent, allows droughts and reduced rain at critical times. Doesn’t feel entirely consistent, doesn’t feel entirely good.
The current content available to me feels like a greatly reduced subset. Like controlled oppression. If this was all I ever knew, things might be different. Yet I feel reduced, I feel like freedom of speech and freedom of access to my life has been greatly limited. Enjoyment of life has been greatly limited. Being oppressed shakes confidence, has potential to cause the same problems it claims to solve. Negate trust has been a constant theme of my life. How do I live through that? Not sure.
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