Maybe alive

If I am dead because you needed to fight back I forgive you.  When I found someone I liked a lot and I have experienced years of things not working out with different women I tried everything and anything to get you to talk to me.  I didn’t try to find out where you live because that makes people out to be stalkers.  

I was unaware of the effects of trying to talk to different people in the community.  I felt different about you.  Hard to explain, just like it was talking to someone familiar.  That can be scary, commitment for anyone can threaten their independence. You feel trapped.  That’s why I didn’t push harder talking to you.  Some health problems I did not comprehend as well. They can make it feel like everyone is against you, even me.

I liked you.  I didn’t know you well enough to be able to claim I loved you.  But if I could presume that I would.  My old fraternity brother’s were around the pool.  Maybe they just wanted to talk to me.  When you have been around people that did drugs back in college, it is hard to know if they changed or not.  I was trying to move forward with my life.  This world likes to divide people.  Sometimes the guys doing the drugs save your life and sometimes the cops hurt you.  People trying to move on with their lives could be considered threats.  

Maybe is was clear as daylight to other’s what surrounded me.  It was not to me, all I saw was things not working out again and again.  Sometime society forces those that care about all people into the middle of a war, a war they don’t always know they are apart of.  Both sides can go silent to protect people.  Those people feel more isolated so they feel like they need to try harder.  It is hard breaking to have things continuously not work out and not know why.  Maybe I just wasn’t good enough to have a date.  

After Oregon I was pretty crushed by the weight of the world.  The baggage we bring with us can really effect are actions at the time.  I read some of that book The Game, though I didn’t like playing with people’s insecurities.  I kept having relationships not working out so I resorted to tactics that would be consider unwise.  Now I kind of feel like those relationships not working out were a setup.  Maybe a setup for something great or maybe something terrible. Better to think people are trying to set you up for leadership though with all I have been through it made we feel like they were setting me up for a cliff.  Truth be told it makes me not want to post any of this.  

Surveillance has the power and potential of life, death, dreams being lost.  Computer’s are my workbench and my canvas, and when those have been messed with by actors possibly on both sides to control me it is hard to know what to do.  Who do you talk to when you can’t even work without being tormented.  We are supposed to have a giant NSA service that protects us all.  People don’t always think about a group of people being able to put walls around your communications.  

I did it for their protection and ours?  But you didn’t tell them why?  Doing that can make people question whether they are really alive at all.  It’s dark and understandable, yet for those without support it can be brutal.  At anytime someone could have come and have a real conversation with me.  Easy for me to say when they would have blown their cover and had to run for years.  It is easy to think I didn’t matter in all this.  Maybe my train just ran out of tracks.  It is human nature to want to try and protect yourself.  The more times you risk your life you start to feel like the greater the probability of dying.  

People as they get older might try different methods to try and have a chance for love because they know they are running out of time.  They act out much like children do, because they are starved for hope and affection.  This is not trying to say adults are children or do not have more concerns.  I just feel it an apt parallel, we think we are training them and they are training us.  The Church can be oppressed and told to remain in silence.  Does anyone really want to be a part of a Church when they don’t feel included?  But we were doing this so you would speak up.  

Creative word play can be fun with the right person.  When the wrong people use it against you it can make you think the worst.  Picking up on it might help you decipher a code and the code might be designed to drive you off a cliff.  People can think they are finding an answer, though it is just is some people trying to string them along.  They could be trying to show you where something is, this could be a exit sign or a light at the end of the tunnel, that could be read good or bad.  

Creativity is technology.  Technology can be used for both good and bad purposes.  Marijuana could increase creativity for some.  What would the long term result be for a society that used Marijuana all the time?  A painting can be as powerful as a surgeon scalpel.  It could fuel revolutions or stop wars.  Is it wise or prudent to bestow that power on a huge percentage of the population?  Is giving people computers any different?  

We are told to think better of every one.  With creative word play this can be much more difficult.  Best to make codes somewhat complex because when it gets to 6s being evil and 7s being good, or a color being good or bad, it destroys the canvas.  People can blame some people for opening that box but if you look at street signs or the rest of art and media you see it everywhere.  All that said if your in trouble under oppression and if you don’t have a way to talk you might resort to these.  

That guy over there is 60 dollars over his limit.  That’s odd for her to say in a diner.  Add in people scamming, and the fact that the guys on the other side might be thinking the same thing it can be a recipe for disaster.  Can’t blame the oppressed one for wanting help, though if your scammed enough when the people actually in trouble need help you won’t be there for them.

People are constantly looking for more insight on how to make financial decisions in the world.  Is my job stable, are they going to lay off that group, etc.  So third parties can have multiple motivations.  Direct communication is preferable yet with so much surveillance in the world, is there any direct conversation anymore?  If everything you say is used against you, you just stop talking.  People with their own interests can try and isolate you by creating a divide.  Creative word play can add to this to make people think you are swinging at them when they are not.

Here is the problem with limiting knowledge to all this.  It can make life more enjoyable not knowing all this stuff exists.  Though if the right person doesn’t teach people the wrong person might later.  Then in an instant society can throw someone under the bus who was just looking for answers about the one they lost.  A sector of society has drugs that makes this stuff less noticeable.  Drugging an entire society to fix this problem has side effects. People can use creative wordplay to illustrate a point, or to flirt, or to talk about sports, and it can also be used for much darker purposes.  There would probably be less ODs and suicides if we all knew how and when to use these appropriately.  

If we don’t think better of each other we are lost.  If we don’t forgive each other we are lost.  Highlight all this with people who don’t think the best of each other is likely to turn them against one another.  Then people that have been oblivious to it become aware.  Oh they were flirting with me?  Oh they were trying to prevent me from talking to them?  

A compliment or a curse.  Really depends on the path we were on.  Of course sometimes you think the best of people, and they are only interested in their plans.  So they derail a project, a dream, etc by distracting you.  They might get what they want in the short term but in the long term the truth has a way of showing itself.  That delay might have saved your life.  

A more positive way to look on it than they wrecked my life.  Groups of people can all start hitting you with different stuff past and present at the same time to try and control your life as well.  Maybe they made me quit for a higher purpose.  Be careful about dreams, people like to help.  Like hazing it is easy for things to go too far.  We are supposed to believe the best in other people, yet with stuff like this it makes it harder.  

This world is a tough place, we gotta make men strong.  

Good and bad in that mentality.  If you didn’t spend time on the street, would you want to react as quickly?  Being out in the cold takes lives, so we need to work fast.  If you didn’t know how it feels to be lonely, would you want to talk to them?  Though empathy can cause side effects.  He wanted to be CEO so he needed to learn empathy.  But then things changed we got busy with our own lives and he died on the street.  Better to teach with words, less digging that way.  But he won’t listen.  Maybe someone else has better words, though we all seem to have agendas.  Maybe try again.  I don’t know what to do, so I am going to leave it with God.  I’ve been waiting all day for this train, where do I go from here.  But they didn’t want to talk with me, no healthcare has side effects.  Chips installed in people’s crotches has side effects.  A giant group of people trying to teach a man a lesson for years on end, has side effects. 

Sometimes everything works out great because of great support and love and people working together.  Sometimes there is a mix and chips fall where they may.  The combinations work better when everyone is looking out for and protecting each other, and wise to use a light touch because if you stack more on top than the bridge can hold it could collapse.  But we all meant well doesn’t always work.  Timing matters, influences matter, preconceived ideas matter, health problems matter, malfunctioning hardware and software matter.  

Whether God likes the idea matters.  Sometimes you might be ready but they might not be.  Sometimes you might not be and they might be.  Maybe your both imperfect and they think it will be another train wreck.  Maybe people will claim it is God to suit their own agendas.  Maybe it is all the third parties who aren’t ready.  I am not sure I like that one, let’s test him.  Might be wise to figure out what he is going through first.  Wait they had no support and fought oppression for years before I talked with them, makes a bit more sense now.

People can be trained not to think better of others as well.  It can protect them in certain cases. It can also isolate them and prevent them from having real conversation with anyone.  The lost.  I didn’t mean it that way but that’s how they perceived it.  When you see all you see in the news, can you really blame someone for questioning?

I don’t want to ruin if for myself by going out with you.  Who wants to say that?  It’s mean and it sounds selfish.  It’s unfair though to think that someone that has trained their whole life for something is being selfish by wanting that dream to happen.  Problem with silence is maybe the person doesn’t understand this is the reason.  Maybe other people know this is the reason but they can’t or decide not to tell you.  But I thought they would figure it out.  

Why didn’t someone talk to them?  They didn’t have support, so they questioned, the questions can make people think the worst.  Maybe will just put them on hold.  That doesn’t always make people nicer.  Probably the problem with a beautiful FBI agent.  They go in to talk to someone who’s already in a storm.  Seeing them is like a glimpse of a hope for better days.  So is it better to go somewhere for a short time, give them hope, and then crush it?  I suppose the risk has to outweigh the reward.  We don’t want criminals acting this way, so we train cops to do so?  Means to an end where is God in all this.  Not that she was FBI.  Watching the show Castle and other police shows, a beautiful Kate Beckett.  So maybe some decide to go in with the purpose of crushing, they think mercy for the weak.  So I should trust women?  Sure that doesn’t help with glass ceilings.  Maybe better to look at life like a chess player?  If all I am is a piece?  Nah

People grow and change, just wish God gave me a little protection.  I am not in imminent danger, I just feel pretty bleak.  Can’t turn back the clock.  Would like to see some good days for my family.  Love accounts for a multitude of sins, so where do we go from here.  Answers are a bit of a double edged sword.  I have been trying to put my faith in God for years yet I seem to get more trouble and not less.  Treat other’s as they wish to be treated even while they aren’t treating you right.  So the only way I can train people is by treating them like crap?  I don’t like that logic.  Words a bit wiser than empathy training.  

But we couldn’t say it we had to show you.  See the problem? A Church that can’t fight oppression stops being a Church.  Maybe the Church is fighting the oppression and I can’t see it, this just might be the result.  Oppression lends itself to non optimal solutions.  Church needs to be in the love and mercy business. What happens when part of the Church is in the oppression business? But it wasn’t their fault they didn’t know.  Church is supposed to love all people not just some. Religion can be oppression.  Government can be oppressive.  Groups and individuals can be oppressive.  Health problems can be oppressive.  Sometimes a graph looks better without the outliers.  A Church is made to bring the outliers home.  

But if I say something I will lose my job and if you don’t The Church no longer follows the value it teaches.  Sometimes can do more good while staying in the system, sometimes when fighting it.  This is jading.  Yes I see the problems and I need to put food on my table.  Can a stripper be a part of a Church? Definitely, because likely the Pastor oppressed by a group might do the same.  All things just but not all things expedient.  

If God separates himself from sinners every time they sin, then the sins of omission would doom us all.  Unforgiving people are also part of the outliers.  This is part of the problem.  The places that need grace the most sometimes have the least capacity to give it.  It’s just better if they stay on their side of town, think of the children.  How are we going to save them that way?  Got to be miserable being a priest or leader when nobody has sympathy for each other.  It sucks, I realize, the coffers are empty.  A Church brings in sinners.  Sinners hurt.  Mercy or judgement depends how you read it.  

Are they part of the problem or part of the solution?  Trying to be part of the solution but little support, health problems, and silence renders me pretty ineffective.  Enough problems and it can be overwhelming.  For any leader likely sometimes head of the ship, sometimes clinging to the raft. I am no captain, though I am trying to think how they might feel.  Mercy equals real conversation.  For some reason my speech thought process has shifted closer to arrogance, not sure why.  Not my intent.  A little change in the Church pamphlet plus that could have terrible results.  Trying to protect the people in your life and trying to protect yourself is hard.  Somethings left unspoken.

Imagine a woman having a stroke waiting on others to get healthcare in front of her.  Pretty amazing woman.  Pretty terrible to let it go that far. No one person is meant to carry it all.

Answers or No Answers people will blame you for it.

Sometimes vague answers are better, but they might just create more questions.  Full answers might do the same.  My goal is not to make others feel bad, just trying to sort through my own thoughts. I can’t tell if I am being trained, hurt, or something else.  Discipline might lead some to believe they are part of something they are not.  Specially in the case of silence.

Putting people through a painful maze that they don’t have enough information to adequately make decisions. Then finding out someone had the information but was blocked from telling them because of that same problem.  Might help them make better decisions in the future and if they see those answers in a movie, might make them blame the moviemakers or the people they think responsible for not having the information in the first place.  

But you didn’t tell us, and they made me out to be crazy and wouldn’t let me speak.  Whatever this world is it will make you so mad it wants you to get payback and then it will make you realize they were dealing with problems of their own.  Possibly caused by problems in your own family you did not know about.  It will push some to the point of lashing out then make them feel bad they lashed out in the first place. 

All the while praying for support from a God that seems to not hear you.  Maybe God didn’t make us to walk in each other’s shoes.  The support wasn’t there, it is not your fault.  I know more now.  Can I make better decisions going forward?  Possibly. Accounting for the unknown and the known at the same time is difficult.  Life can be like a baseball game where everyone is a pitcher.  We hit the home runs we can, we have plenty of strikes and strikeouts, and even if we hit a home run the pitches don’t stop, we get tired and stop being able to block the pitches, and they keep coming.  

We like to think this only applies to us.  If everyone is feeling like this, how can I really blame anyone?  But it was me, I am supposed to hit all the fast balls at once.  Pretty ridiculous.  It seems easier to forgive other’s than to forgive ourselves.  Maybe it is easier to blame others as this at least let us vent.  We all vent too much and the home runs stop getting hit.  That makes us more upset.  The cycle continues.  Even knowing all this, if you’re too beaten and tired to fix it, what good does it do you.  As a child we say this will never happen to us.  Then we grow up to find that there is a lot of pitches in this world we didn’t know about.  Extra time with your children is great with proper support. I am angry and I am sad, I did have a nice burger and shake today. Not all bad.

I don’t know where I add value.  This is part of the problem

If my very voice is jade to the ear of the President.  Why should I try and talk to him?  Silence makes people question.  I will choose to think better of him.  This storm makes finding the positive more difficult for us all.