Minimized

What excuses are there for minimizing my life?  We are in a world with potential for everything to be destroyed.  Yet we have avoided that.  How?  With the level of oppression, evils, and destabilized systems.  The voices on the screen lead one to believe that some of this is made up.  Doesn’t make sense, maybe we are past all that.  I don’t doubt technologies could exist that could destroy everything.  I don’t think the people that are in charge of that technology are treating people right.  This begs the question why anyone’s life is left in the have not.  Maybe popularity is the distinguishing factor.  Popular to like some people unpopular to like others.  Seems a bit absurd.

I care about people and try to protect people then I get this in life.  I try to be tolerant of others and caring and silence.  I am willing to sacrifice myself time and time again, and silence.  Who determined that leaving me this way was a value added proposition.  I want to make others lives better yet I seem to get the opposite.  This doesn’t really lend itself to trusting that a loving God actually gives two shits about me.

All to turn me into what?  It’s clear that my life is being planned.  Or maybe I was just binned to protect other’s opportunities.  Not for any other reason than those with more power control.  Wasting my time and waisting my life.

Let me be clear, I am not a racist.  I am sinful and through omission like any person I can fail people.  I have had racists thoughts before, I admit that sin and have asked God for forgiveness.  It is difficult to perfect being able to not have preconceived notions about any person on earth.  Skin is one difference in life, to say it doesn’t help speak to nationality, culture, or mindsets would be unwise.

A Russian accent and white skin might lend itself to someone being Russian and might not.  Makeup and accent elimination classes can change impressions.  I understand people get unfairly grouped by life’s struggles and I want them to have a safe route out of the shit storms they are in.  To say it isn’t a battle to think better of people that are different from you would be a lie.  Specially if someone from a group has hurt you in the past.  

Can you really blame an African American man or woman from distrusting a system that promoted slavery and now makes decisions that still leave part of their population impoverished?  If you were an orphan and saw others with great family lives and opportunities you could only dream of, what kind of thoughts would go through their head.  If you were passed up for positions based on your gender continuously, after seeing your mother’s and grandmother’s sidelined by the men in their life that were supposed to protect them, how would that make you feel?  If your family member was hurt by someone in a group that you will never be a part of, that seems to lend itself to misplacing anger towards a group.

Let me be clear, I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have said the wrong words, at the wrong time, in the wrong way.  I have to fight having preconceived notions about anyone.  I have systematically been hurt by many women in my life.  I should be wise enough to derive some knowledge about how I deal with women and relationships.  

It is difficult to disconnect the bad actions that are probably due to many understandable reasons, some obvious and some unknown from how I choose to interact with women in society.  I want women to be happy, healthy, and successful.  I don’t want to annoy with my presence and I don’t want anyone feeling left out in the cold.  I don’t want to hurt their relationships with other men by my friendship.  I would like to have a relationship and how to properly balance having a social presence that both respects her and the other people in my life is difficult.  One side of the spectrum ends with excessive drinking and other sins that destroy relationships.  On another side of the spectrum people feel suffocated and trapped feeling like just going out to a restaurant creates unacceptable opportunities for problems.

I would want the woman in my life to have other friends.  I wouldn’t want her to use them as a way for me to be continuously insulted and demoralized.  I wouldn’t want her to be disconnected from society if I died.  I wouldn’t want the woman in my life having inappropriate close friendships with other men or women.  All people have the chance to let you down or cause problems.  

Having someone that is willing to help others is amazing.  If she lets the wrong people in and I can’t trust her to get out at the right time that’s a problem.  I want a woman who knows the potential for her own weakness and mine.  A partner that doesn’t lead me to hubris.  I want to feel respected and confident, not prideful and arrogant.  I can’t say I have really met anyone on the same page with me on all that as of yet.  Someone strong enough to speak up to me if I am being a tyrant, someone loving enough to know we are all unsure at times.  

I wouldn’t want a woman that didn’t lie to me, I would want one that never felt like she needed to.  That is a big ask on myself and society as well to create that kind of environment.  From what I see now in society, not much can be trusted and I never know who is listening.

I guess in a woman after attraction I would be looking more for the way she thinks.  Maybe the belief that all these attributes are in one woman is hubris in itself.  Maybe I am asking too much of one person.  I believe people can be better with support.  We all still fall very short of ideal.  I say all this now after waking up choking and hacking.  Feeling a bit like a piece of glass these days.  So I might be saying this for someone else which is ok.

It is wrong to label anyone for life.  People change and we are all works in progress.